Pathetically Lacking Weaknesses

Do you ever have those moments in life where you just want to get lost? Where you just want to lose reality for a little while and forget? It’s those times in life when the heartbreak, of any kind, just overwhelms you, physically affects you. That’s where I am. I’m not talking about going off the deep end or giving up. That’s not who I am. I’m taking about the feeling you have when you sit down and read a book and before you know it the day is gone and night has come. Or when you are spending time with a friend or family member and you are enjoying yourself so much, hours seem like minutes. Moments like that. In a world where time is money and life is short, I desire that. Maybe it will only last a few days. Or maybe it will take a little bit longer.

My life has undergone some serious changes lately. Or even the realization that serious changes are coming. I’m in the process of mourning what my life has been like the past 22 years or even the past few months. Because it is all changing. I’ve never been one to deal with change well. See, if you don’t know me well, I take time to process EVERYTHING. And I’m slow at it too. Generally, reality doesn’t hit me or I don’t understand until later. Even a few days later. So when things change faster than I saw coming, my processing shuts down. And I just get stuck.

I don’t reach out for help when those times come, sometimes the people closet to me, the people I love the most, don’t even know what’s going on through my head. I want to appear like I’ve got things figured out. All the time. I have immense trouble admitting I’m not ok or something is wrong, because it makes me feel like I’m weak and lacking and pathetic. I feel like I need to keep things together for everyone else. And for people to not lose respect or faith in me. But the truth is I am weak and lacking and pathetic. Another name for what I am: a sinner. And the most important people in my life will be there for me regardless. See, they are sinners too. Even better than that, the people I’m thinking of have been redeemed. And so have I. I can’t live life, pretending like things are ok 100% of the time. I can’t survive this life without Christ carrying me through it. And I can’t enjoy this life without these amazing redeemed people.

Well here it goes. My name is Katie and I am not as strong as I’d like to think or say I am. I am weak. I am lacking. I am pathetic. I am not OK. Take it or leave it. I go through times when I just want someone to hold my hand or just hold me and say it’s going to be ok. When I want prayers and verses read over me. When I don’t want to be embarrassed or ashamed of crying.

I have a lot of wonderful, amazing things in my life. I have been blessed more than I could ever imagine and absolutely more than I deserve. I haven’t forgotten those. I’m just trying to grasp the changes. I’m trying to be that woman who suffered for 12 years and to touch the Savior’s robe, knowing that touch alone would heal.

I’m sure this is just rambling. Exhaustion and emotion from the past few weeks is certainly catching up to me. And that’s ok. This is where I am at 1AM today. In a few hours, everything could be different. Or not. I just want my Savior and the people I love.

PS tomorrow, I will find something to lose myself in for a few hours.