Two more days

My house sold this month. Almost 14 years here. I am a homebody. Ridiculously so. I finished packing my room today. I couldn't handle doing it all at once. Luckily, I've had someone by my side every time I've worked on it the past week. My safe zone for the past 7 years. This place has been my refuge. I've laughed, mourned, cried, grew up, experienced life, learned to cook, clean, garden, work, everything here. I've experienced dark times here and beautiful times. I have two nights left here. I can't believe this is the end. Some stranger will come and make memories here. Grow plants. Cook meals. Celebrate holidays. Love. Hurt. Live. Here, in my home, well for two more days.
And it's been me and my mom. Easily my favorite person in this world. It's just been us for the past 9 years. We did not have the typical teenage hardships. We actually got along great. And we still do. Had our rough patches, but always came out stronger. This is our last week living together. She got married last night (9 days early thanks to a miscommunication and legal jurisdiction for a marriage license.) She's moving 500 miles away. I'm not losing her, but I am as my roommate.


Two.more.days.


And my whole world changes. I'll spend six weeks in Texas serving as an intern for a youth camp and come back to finish college. I don't know if it will be home anymore. I can't imagine living in Atlanta without my mom around. I can't imagine not spending hours working in the yard or doing some crazy DIY project here.


Two more days and it all ends. God knew all this was going to happen this week. It isn't a surprise to Him. And He isn't freaking out. I HAVE to trust that. I HAVE to depend on Him. My brother says if God didn't give you more than you could handle, you wouldn't need Him.


Boy, is this more than I can handle. And boy do I need Him. Not sure how I'm going to make it through these next two days. Only through Him.


Clinging to Isaiah 43:1-5.

Prayers.

I would greatly appreciate prayers. Life is hitting me hard. Everything is changing. I came home sobbing last night, regretting a decision, and asking God why He was taking everything from me all at once. I know that is dramatic, but a ton is being taken away. And honestly, I don't want to let go of any of it. It is all very near and dear to my heart, things that mean the most of me.  I know that I have to be willing to give everything up to the Lord and let Him take it. I'm trying to trust in that. There are only a few things I could fight for and I don't know if I should. Somethings I am going to lose. Somethings are going to change. I know the Lord is present and active. I know He loves more than I will ever comprehend. I know He's got great plans for me. I know He hears the cries and desires of my heart. I can't give up on somethings yet. I have too much hope to despair in them. It could be a childish thing, but it's true.

My momma

This is my momma.

She is a hoot. She also thinks she's really funny a lot of the time too. She loves to laugh.  I think the world of her.  She is truly my best friend. She tells it to me straight when I need to hear it. She holds me and hurts when I hurt or cry.  She can be silly. She can be serious. She is sweet and feisty. She's strong and loving. 


This Mother's Day was unique because it was the last one that we will be living together. I was pretty emotional about the whole day. And basically wanted her all to myself all day. It didn't happen because our lives are crazy right now with us moving in a few weeks and responsibilities and people and such.  


I love my mom, more than anyone on this earth. No one gets me like she does. No one can replace who my momma is to me.  She is so much to me. I can only pray that my daughters love and look up to me like I do her.  

I'm 22 years old. I've wanted to live on my own since I graduated high school, but it  was never really possible. Now I don't have a choice. Although I'm excited about my independence. She's moving away. About 500 miles away. We are both having a hard time with it. It wouldn't be as hard if I was just moving out, but life throws you curve balls and you just gotta swing.


So today, here's to the greatest mom I've ever known. To the mom who adopts my friends as her own. To the mom who let me crawl in her bed when I had nightmares. Who still calls me "her baby". To the mom, who, single-handedly raised me. To the mom who told me about Jesus. To the mom who took care of me when I was sick. To the mom who taught me how to cook and love it.  To the mom who always did my hair.  To the mom who means the world to me.  To the mom who made me her best friend.


I would do anything for you, Mom. I have life because you wanted me. I survived life, because you helped carry me. I love life because I have Life, and you introduced me to Him.


You'll always be my best friend. I'll always be your baby.
I love you, Momma, always no matter what or who.

Circa May 2007

Blinded by darkness

Let me first by starting off by saying I've seen that some people from other countries have been reading my blog. I have no idea how you found it, what you read, if you liked it, etc, but Welcome.

The past few days have been CRAZY. I've gone 100mph almost non-stop. I'm stressed. Life is chaotic. Can't say I've been enjoying some things, but that's life. So today, I had on the planner was a doctor's appointment in the early afternoon and then the Braves game tonight.  What better to do with that free time than be with my Savior. So I was reading Jesus Calling and as I was catching up on the last few days, I came across Psalm 119:105


"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path."


Pretty clear. Pretty straightforward. If you've been around church for anytime, you've heard this verse, most likely. 
But this thought hit me.


"I would be blind without the Word. "


Think about it.  Sitting to my left is my Bible. 99.9% of what I know about the Lord is from this book.  Yet I don't always treat it as such. I don't always treat it like the greatest treasure I possess.  Not only that but if you look at John 1, it says, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

Now, my Bible is not God. But it is who we know Him. It is how we know about hope and life. It is how we know about how to live. Most importantly, it is how we know that it is not about us, it is about Him. He wrote this book. These are His words.  


How often do I read those words and think that? Not as much as I should.


My heart is heavy. Growing up is hard. Everyday I question if I was pursuing the right things. Doing the right things. Making wise choices. Am I being selfish? Am I wrong? Am I blind to obvious things? Everything in my life right now, has a purpose, but do I need to rid myself of those things? What am I doing? Who I am?


I could go on and on. I am a doubter and a worrier. I'll be the first to admit it. People that know me well, will be the second. Most moments the only thing I know for sure is that the Lord is my Savior and He is sovereign.


Today I'm praying for faith, strength, and hope. I'm praying to trust, to understand, to stop. I'm just praying.


And needing more of the Light and less darkness. Needing more of Him and His words and less of me.

I've got a story to tell

I am one who hung Him on that tree. 

I am also one who decided to live free.
Oh that glorious Cross
Covered in blood, so that I suffer no loss.
Who am I, that I may receive?
All He asked was that I believe.
Life and grace is what I choose.
I knew I had nothing to lose.
On a serious note,
there is a moment I must devote.
You see, this Savior of mine, 
He is divine.
In tune with the Father from up above
He showed us the greatest act of love.
Born a babe,
Descendant of Abe
He lived a life only God could live.
Still we realized not what He had to give.
Where you there when they crucified my Lord?
The angels were, in one accord.
Blood on my hands.
God knew the plans.
One heart breaks.
The whole world aches.
The earth shattered.
Demons scattered.
His life did not end there,
He wanted to make us an heir.
Three days in the grave,
He was so brave.
Come that morning light,
He did not fight.
For He knew He won,
When He said," It is done."
With sin and death, 
We have no breath.
He gave us life,
So there'd be no more strife.
We need to be a celebration, 
Telling all the nations.
Our Savior has risen!
Don't get stuck in this prison, 
The world filled with pain and destruction.
Turn to the Bible for a word of instruction.
So that's my story
To Him be the glory.
Amen.


This has been working in my head since yesterday afternoon.
Happy Easter.

I wanted to help him

Read this first. Parking Lot Billy (I read this blog EVERYDAY. It's my Bible study leader's family blog. It's wonderful and inspiring.)
 So I read this post and it was truly convicting. Tymm and Laura really live out being Jesus' hands and feet. And this article weighed on my mind.

So now my story.
A few Fridays ago, I was minding my own business as I hurried to the Walmart to pick up the last few things I needed to babysit my nieces for the evening (Aunt Katie has to provide a good time!). As I rounded to corner to get to the parking lot, I saw a man on the side of the road with a sign "Family of 4 needs help". My heart hurt for him, but I continued to drive by. As I walked into Walmart, I wondered what I could do for him. I'm a poor college student. And then it hit me, buy his family dinner. With Kacie (12) and Kelli (10).
See, I have had the honor of spending time in (almost) weekly Bible study with Kelli. She asked me to be her mentor at the beginning of January. And we've had some really great discussions about what comes out of our mouths (words), prayers, memorizing verses, serving the Lord. I wanted her and Kacie to experience it what it meant. So when I left WalMart, I went to talk to this man and make sure he would still be there in about 15 minutes.
I rushed to my sister's house, told the girls to say goodbye, put on shoes, and get in the car as fast as they could. Everyone wanted to know where we were going, but I wouldn't tell them.
After we piled in the car, I told them what we were about to do and asked them why we were doing it. "Jesus wants us to," was their reply. I had tears in my eyes the entire drive. We walked into Walmart and picked a nice big meal and some cookies, parked near the man, and got out. I told the girls that we were going to talk to him for a few minutes and then pray for him, if he let us.  His name is Ken. His wife's name is Laurie and they have two children (6 and 3). 
After we got in the car, I looked in my rearview mirror and those sweet girls were just beaming. (Funny side note, Kelli was so excited because she says she has a heart for old men with beards (which Ken had) and she always wanted to help them, random but hilarious and adorable.) We called their parents  and then my mom and the girls talked about what they had done and how they felt about it. That night as I was tucking them in, I was laying with Kacie and after I prayed over her, she started praying for Ken and his family. It was the sweetest prayer filled with compassion and love for a stranger.


On Monday, I get a text from Kacie, "Can u chat i want 2 tell you something." When I got on the phone with her, she starts telling me about this man she saw on the side of the road on her spring break trip to Tampa. He had a sign as well. "I wanted to help him, Aunt Katie. We had donuts in the car and I wanted to give him them." 
Can I die now? Yes, they get it they really really get it!!!!! 

I am by no means perfect, nor am I always a good role model, nor do I do everything right, but I do understand that my nieces look up to me. I am reminded of that everyday and especially when they say they want to be like me. In my head, I think "aim higher." I have a huge responsibility to these girls and I see it as a huge honor. I didn't ask for it, but I am blessed beyond measure by it. They hold me accountable in ways few can because I know they are watching. It's scary really to think my decisions, actions, and words are being watched.
As much I teach these girls, they teach me just as much. This whole thing made me wonder do we live like we are being watched by others?
Do we live like our decisions, words, and actions impact others?
How do we react when the dog does something wrong, something breaks, someone says something mean, we see someone we don't like, etc.? And who is around when we react?
I don't know how many of you have kids, but as parents are you being the person you want your kids to grow up to be? 
Are you dressing in a way they can model after? 
Are you saying the words that they should say?
Are you making wise decisions? 
Are your actions what they should be?
And to the people without children, you're not off the hook either. You'll have little eyes watching you someday too, but don't think people aren't watching now.  Ask all those questions in regards to your family, friends, and even strangers. I guarantee, unless you are completely alone, someone is watching you (insert creepy music, but seriously).


I know I certainly don't. Sometimes, I even act like God isn't watching and He's watching ALL the time. I'm not saying you should do things based off what others think, I'm talking about knowing that you are being held accountable for everything you do. Honestly, I don't live like that a lot of the time, but I want to. 


So today I'm asking myself, "Am I living like my decisions, actions, and words impact others?"

Comfort

Play this while reading, please.


Today as I walked into my room to go to bed, I found this.

My Bible resting on my pillow and a box of tissues. Probably two of the most essential things in my life right now.  I couldn't help but smile.  You see, as I made my way upstairs, I was thinking about how so many earthly comforts are being taken away from me. 
(And I'm not talking about possessions, although my house will be going up for sale in the next fews weeks. It's the "home" factor I'm losing with it, not the actual house. And there's a whole lot of relational changes going on, as well as life and future changes. Really, everything's just been tossed into the air this last month. Maybe not everything, but a lot of things.)
Anyway, my Bible hadn't magically been left there, I had put it there this morning in search for a verse that I had on my heart. And happened (Jesus) to leave it open.
As I stared at this precious book, two verses that had been playing in my head came to mind.
Isaiah 40:1

And then 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Not only are these verses what I need to claim but I love the headings that go before each. "Comfort for God's People" and "The God of All Comfort"
I don't know why some things are happening and why they are happening the way they are. Some things I don't understand. I have wants and desires about everything, but I don't believe God is focusing on that. I don't believe they are being ignored, nor are they completely inconsequential, I just think God's trying to get me past the biggest hump, before anything else.
Let me paint a visual picture of what I'm feeling about my life right now.  Imagine you are standing over your kitchen sink, you are rinsing off vegetables in a colander. You shake off the excess water and turn to put them in a bowl, just as you turn, your feet get tangled up and you begin to fall, arms going up. Freeze, see it? Do you see all those vegetables coming out of the colander and about to scatter everywhere? That's how I see my life.
So that's kind of how I feel. I know a huge thing that the Lord is teaching me is to rely on Him above all else, above comfort, above people, above plans, above everything. HE is my comfort. HE is my everything. I just need to cling to Him and His Word. He is not going to abandon me or leave me out to dry. There is purpose for this, I'm already seeing that. (I may not always remember that.) To trust Him.
Huh, that's funny, basically the theme in my life for 2011. (See trust Me from January 4th).


The song that you've been listening to is one that I have played over and over again, because it's where I am.


"And I find myself here on my knees again." (Yep, that's where I am.)


Working on trusting the Lord and finding my comfort in Him during all this.


"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

One week

One week from now, I will be packing for the Atlanta Mission Trip. I am beyond excited about this trip.  Ever since Passion, I have felt a strong calling and desire to go serve my city.  I have really grown to love it since being in college. From working down there, playing down there, and serving down there, this city has captured my heart.  I also am very close to some people that love this city a whole lot too.
It's my home. It really is. I get excited when I see it as my plane lands, my car heads towards it, or as I ride good ol' MARTA.  I think it is beautiful.
So I am excited about this week. I get to serve with some people who just blow my mind. I get to follow behind leaders who are a blessing.  I get to build friendships with my team and better the ones that already exist.  I get to serve the people of Atlanta. And above all else, I get to serve the GOD of this city. And that song keeps playing in my head. I have yet to sing it without tears burning my eyes. 
This week, I have decided to change things up. The team went a retreat this weekend. It was amazing. I loved every minute of it. We were challenged to fast from things that distracted us. I knew immediately the things that I needed to fast from. One of them being TV, if there is nothing else to do, I watch it. However, I want to use this time to be productive, to spend more time with the Lord, studying the Word, and serving Him.  
Also as I was driving home from my sister's house this evening, I was thinking about my devotions. I decided that every day this week, I would spend time somewhere else. Today was at my house. I want to write about each one so that's all I'm giving away for now, expect I'm pretty excited about tomorrow. One thing for sure, I will be spending time with the Lord in Atlanta this week, I might even make a whole day of it, we'll see. 
It's just me and Jesus this week. I'm hoping to look to Him for everything this week. To find total joy, total healing, wisdom, peace, everything He so wonderfully blesses His followers with. 

Emails from Africa

Part of this post has been written for a few days, but I had no idea what to do with it and what else to say until today! When I read an article.
Yesterday I was reading over a number of old emails. I came across the emails my boyfriend and I wrote to each other while I was in Africa in September. As much as I love Africa, that trip to Liberia was horrible.  At this point, Alex and I had been dating for 3 months (in fact, we hit the 3 months mark, while I was gone.) Anyways, having some letters with me from him and being able to get internet twice to check my email was a huge thing that kept me together. (Now before you think I hate Africa or something, you could not be more wrong. I love Africa and have since I began sponsoring this beautiful boy in Tanzania my freshman year of high school.  I've been there twice. And I'm praying that the Lord will bless enough to adopt at least one African baby.) This trip was difficult for many reasons. I remember having a countdown of hours going in my head with at least two days left. (You may be losing respect for me as I continue to type, I'll be happy to share my experience with you, I just don't want to share it with the world.) And then I boarded the plane, leaving my mom behind, where she would stay for the next 3 weeks. The flight was long and sleepless, 18 hours next to the air vent. I didn't care I just wanted to be home. Sometime around 6:30 AM Monday morning September 13, I stepped off the train of the Atlanta Airport and headed up that long escalator. I ran up it. I saw Alex and dropped everything I was carrying and landed in his arms (It could have been in a movie). 
Relief.
I was home.
I'm sure you are wondering why I'm telling this story.  Well as glad as I was to be home, as hard as the trip was, Liberia had etched itself on my heart.  I perk up anytime someone mentions the country. From being there and immersing myself in the culture and people, as well as studying the country, I know a lot about it. I not only had the honor of loving the poorest (of the world), I also sat in government officials' offices. I heard a sorts of stories from the war and life after, I heard the current struggles. 
To say this country is in real trouble is an understatement. The only electricity in the country is from generators. Running water ANY where in the country is a rarity and a luxury.  About 80% of the workforce is unemployed. The mother/child mortality rate is the highest in the world. This country is continually ranked in the top five poorest nations. Corruption and greed are rampant in the government. Three million people live in the country. It is the size of the state of Tennessee and there are 3 hospitals. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture.
Anyways, I read this article today about the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association holding a revival/meeting there in March.  Click here to read Billy's Experience
I thought it was very interesting. The vice president, Tolbert later became president of the country and he was assassinated while in office, which started the beginning of the civil war for this country.  
Just pray for this nation and people. They are lost and more than anything else, they need Jesus. Christianity is there and there are many churches, but they still need Him. I'm going to post a little background on the war and an interview I had with a member from Parliament that survived it.
Thinking about Africa today.

Prayer you can borrow

As I sit writing this, A Prayer You Can Borrow by Sean McConnell is playing. I love this song. This is where the title came from, but the prayer I'm about to share you don't have to pray. I just wanted to share.

Last night as I walked into myself, I was exhausted, I did not feel well, and I was smiling. I had found some peace. Different than the peace I've been experiencing lately.

Here's how my prayer went, as I got out of my car and walked into the house.
"Lord, I am unworthy of even a shadow of the blessings You have given to me. Time and time again, I forget that You are Most Holy. I forget that your love reaches through this filth I lay in. You pull me out and wash the sin off me when I simply ask for forgiveness and repent. I am so unworthy of all of it. And Lord, I am just grateful that You are my life and breath. Above all else in this world, I want that. But Lord, You have chosen to bless me tenfold in Your grace, mercy, and love. May I remain grateful for these blessings. May I treasure them as the precious gifts that they are. Teach me how to love and care for the people You have put in my life. Teach me how to bring glory to You in all situations. And Lord, may these blessings constantly remind me of  You, not replace You. There is no one like You and I only desire to have my heart beat for You through these blessings. Thank you, thank you for all of it. May I be a good steward with what You've blessed me with."


As I got into bed last night, I grabbed my big purple Bible, if it's ok to have a favorite Bible, this one is mine. It's beat up and well worn. It's the Bible I highlight verses and write revelations in. I wanted to find a verse and I went to Psalm and looked at a few chapters and then random flipped back a few pages and found this verse. Perfect!
"Glorify the Lord with me. Let us exalt His name together."
Psalm 34:3


That's what I want all the relationships to look like in my life. And that is a prayer I'm borrowing from David.

Christians can be frustrating

I am upset. No, I am more than upset. I am ticked. Really, really ticked.
My church is having a solemn assembly on Sunday. A solemn assembly is a time when the Israelites would gather and humbly repent before God for their own sins and the sins of their nation. It was a time when they recognized the holiness of God and their utter failings.
Here are some Biblical examples of solemn assembly.  
1 Samuel 7:5-6
2 Samuel 6:14
1 Chronicles 13-18
2 Chronicles 15:9-15
2 Chronicles 20:3-13
2 Chronicles 29:5
2 Chronicles 34:31-33
Ezra 6:16-22
Ezra 8:21-23
Ezra 9:5-15
Nehemiah 8:1
Joel 1:13
Joel 2:12-17
As you can see, it happened numerous times.  I have prayed over this coming Sunday since I have heard about. I am doing everything I can to prepare for it. Our church offered a devotional and I have done it every day. I have kept up my own devotionals and I am fasting from certain things. I will NOT let this Sunday go to waste in my own life. I feel so strongly about it. And here comes my rant. (I thought I should warn you)
I went to the prayer meeting tonight at my church.  We met to pray over Sunday.  I had to be the youngest person there by 20 years. Of the 60 or so people that showed up, less than 10 were under the age of 60.  Really? Did the people my age not know or not care enough? I'd like to believe that they didn't know, but I know better. As much as I love the older generation, they are not the future of our world or nation. They will not be the ones to carry Jesus' name to the nations. They will not be in the workplace standing up for what is right. They will not be teaching future generations. They will not be CEOs or government officials. Who will that be? My generation. We are the future and right now I feel like we are wasting away. "But Katie, it's only one prayer meeting." 
Is it really? 
No, it is not. 
Did you know that the largest Buddhist temple is in Boulder, CO?
 Guess where the largest Islamic training center is. Brooklyn, NY. 
Now guess where the largest church is. South Korea. 
The book Unchristian shows statistic after statistic of my generation pushing church farther and farther away. We are "spiritual" or "religious" but we don't pick one belief or want to offend someone. I don't care if I offend someone because I believe in Christ (I'm not going to throw Jesus in peoples' faces or anything like that, but I will not be ashamed). And you can bet my life, I'm picking one belief, Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
The saddest part of tonight was that my church knew young people weren't going to show. Not because we weren't invited. Not because they didn't want us there. Because that's how the world sees us and we proved them right tonight. All we sang were old old hymns. Nothing wrong with hymns, but no one in my generation sings them. 
How come something like Passion comes along and we go nuts? Passion City Church? Some cool, trendy, hip conference, concert, whatever and we jump on it. We sit in those conferences and they tell us to be radical. To go out and change the world. And the opportunity comes to humbly, as a church, come before God and ask for forgiveness and prayer for our very VERY lost nation. AND NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 30 SHOWS UP!!!!!! WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!
I have sat in the college environment long enough to hear time and time again "I want to be radical in my faith." "I want to live for Jesus." "I want to do this." "I want to do that." 
I am tired of sitting on the couch and saying "I want to (fill in the blank)." I want to be doing it.  
Like it or not, our world is going to hell in a hand basket and we are practically sending muffins with them! Seriously, we are unworthy to carry HIS name. I am unworthy. I am failing, constantly. And I am tired of it. I want more of Jesus and less of me. I want everything to be counted a loss in comparison to the Cross. I want life, not death. We have the opportunity to pray for our nation this Sunday. The older generation needs to pass the torch and WE need to be ready. 
I am not at all trying to be self-righteous and if that's what you get out of this then you have misunderstood my heart in this. I am angry at myself as much as anyone else. Maybe even more. I am broken. I am worthless. I am nothing.
Here's my challenge anyone who goes to JFBC, take every chance you can to prepare for Sunday. Revival could be around the corner. We are the future. We need to go full on praying and preparing. This world is going to get uglier and uglier. It is going to become more and more lost. However, we need to go down fighting it. I do not want to do this alone. It scares me. You do not want to do this alone. Let's be the body of Christ and band together. Let's prepare to meet God on Sunday. I would love to see more college aged/young adults at Saturday night's praying. It's at 5 in the chapel.
Ok, my head has stopped steaming. This sounds radical. It sounds scary, to me at least. It seems too big to do. But if I can it one day at time. One step at a time, depending on my Savior, I can live His plan for my life. And that's all that this solemn assembly is about. Being in step, focused on the King of Glory. And all I want is the King of Glory. I just want Jesus.

snowed in.

I have tried writing whatever I am trying to say for this post multiple times. I am frustrated at this point. I don’t exactly know what I am trying to write about but I know there’s something inside this head of mine. Writer’s block? Cabin Fever?  Who knows? Not sure I care at this point.I have been stuck in my house since Sunday night. The farthest I have gotten is to the end of my driveway.  It also looks like I will be stuck here for another two days. I don’t mind too much. Yet. 

See, school was supposed to start this week. I was about to jump into 12 hours of classes and 20 hours of working. Along with 2 Bible studies, college weekday worship service, volunteering, mission trip training, and a social life (with whatever time was left). And then Sunday night, the world around me turned white. Giant white glittering snowflakes filled the views outside my house and I was mystified.  I hate cold weather, but I love snow. Snow is the only good thing about winter weather. And I had to stop. I cannot leave my house safely and I don’t intend to risk my life for a gallon of milk. I have connection with the “outside” world. I can talk to my other snowed in friends, browser the internet, etc., I just can’t go anywhere.

The Lord is using this time.  Last month, I apologized to one of my friends for being so busy and not staying in touch. He responded, “It’s ok. You’ve been busy. It happens.” My first thought, which I told him, was, “Yes, but we live in a world that constantly “demands” that we go 100mph. Being busy is a part of life, not an excuse.” The past two days of life have been slow and the Lord is using this. He isn’t showing me to take it easy or anything like that, but He is speaking to me.  The last two days of Jesus Calling have been about trust. Yes, God is still SHOUTING that message at me and I am relishing it. I need to be constantly reminded to trust my Savior. Time and time again, I have proven myself to be untrustworthy. Time and time again, He has proven beyond trustworthy. If this snow hadn’t come, I would not have to opportunity to continue to soak in trusting Him. I want to trust Him in everything. I want to thank him for the answers He has yet to bring, but are coming (that was what Jesus Calling was about today). Our Lord is so good. Regardless of the answers and desires I crave, at the end of the day, He will reign supreme. His answers have been, are, and always will be better than I could have imagined.  

I am so grateful for this snow, because it allows for a few more days of quietness of just me and God because life kicks back into high gear.

By the way, in case you are wondering, I have decided to give up a few things. 

If you are snowed in like me, I would love to know how it is going for you.

Choose this day.

These past few days I've been silent on my blog. I don't know if it's writer's block or I am just so amazed at the Lord is doing in my heart. I have desires to do things I never thought I would want to do, good things. I have goals this year too. I'm not ready to share what most of them are on here yet, but I'm so excited about them. I am overwhelmed by what the Lord is doing in my life. Jesus showed up this week. He showed up for Passion, but not really through the speakers/worship leaders as He did just through little things I experienced. And the further I get away from Passion, the more effects I feel.


Jesus showed up the week after Passion was over. Here is something I learned/ realized. Satan was on the prowl at Passion. For me. And I knew it. I felt so convicted as Passion was getting closer to make it a point every morning to spend time in His Word ALONE. Yes, I was getting feed by so many, but at the end of the day it's just me and the Lord. And so I did. I got up every morning before the girls I was rooming with, got ready and sat in the hotel hallway to spend time with Him. I say this not so you are impressed. I could not care less about that. My thought process was, "If I can't make time for personal time with God at a Christian conference, what the heck am I making time for?" Corporate worship and fellowship with other believers is so key, but personal time with Jesus essential, life-sustaining, mandatory. So I did. 


On Sunday morning, I was reading my Beth Moore study, 90 Days with Paul (it's really awesome, ps). Day 17, the day I was doing, was called "Exposing the Enemy." The passage for the day was Acts 13:4-12.

⁴ The two of them, sent on their way by the Holy Spirit, went down to Seleucia and sailed from there to Cyprus. ⁵When they arrived at Salamis, they proclaimed the word of God in the Jewish synagogues. John was with them as their helper. ⁶ They traveled through the whole island until they came to Paphos. There they met a Jewish sorcerer and false prophet named Bar-Jesus, ⁷ who was an attendant of the proconsul, Sergius Paulus. The proconsul, an intelligent man, sent for Barnabas and Saul because he wanted to hear the word of God. ⁸ But Elymas the sorcerer (for that is what his name means) opposed them and tried to turn the proconsul from the faith. ⁹Then Saul, who was also called Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked straight at Elymas and said, ¹⁰ “You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery. Will you never stop perverting the right ways of the Lord? ¹¹Now the hand of the Lord is against you. You are going to be blind for a time, not even able to see the light of the sun.” Immediately mist and darkness came over him, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand. ¹² When the proconsul saw what had happened, he believed, for he was amazed at the teaching about the Lord.

That's intense, right? Especially verse 10. By the way "the two" in verse 4 is Paul and Barnabas. Mention number of the devil and spiritual warfare. The next mention was again by Beth Moore, in her main session. She was talking about renewing our mind, how crazy cool our brains were, and discerning the will of God. She mentioned Satan's ploy to distract us (I don't remember exactly what she said, but she said something about it). And then in her breakout that day, she was talking about Psalm 37 (delighting yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart). She references Luke 10:17-21.

¹⁷ The seventy-two returned with joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.”

 ¹⁸ He replied, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. ¹⁹ I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. ²⁰ However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

 ²¹ At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do.

"I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven." What?!?! Crazy! What a sight that would be. Beth said that every time we are empowered by Christ and celebrate that, that's what happens to Satan. Ballin'!!!!!


Three references by Beth Moore, three different circumstances, between 8am and 3pm. Attention gotten, for sure. It was so awesome.


Three was the number for me this weekend. Three times I had to go through something, hear something, before the Lord got my attention. Humbling that I can't figure things out the first or second times. 


Each Satan reference was dealing about how he doesn't want us to accomplish God's will (duh Katie, that's what Satan does). I know, I know. But think about it. When you sat do to spend time with the Lord today, how many times did you look at your phone? How rushed were you? How many times did you get distracted in your praying and think about something else? Have you even made time for the Lord today? It's Sunday, yes, doesn't mean your personal time with the Lord gets a Sabbath.


If I may be honest, today, I texted during my time with the Lord and I got lost in thought, not about the Lord, at least 3 times in prayer. DEVIL DISTRACTION ALERT. He wants to do anything and everything to distract you, to take you away from the plans the Lord has for you. You can beat him, you don't not have to give in. I don't have to either. But the question is are we letting him win? He doesn't do it without our permission, whether we actually notice or not. How many times has Satan fallen from heaven this week in your own life? Has he fallen at all? Or is he choking the life out of you?


Choose this day whom you will serve (Josh.24:15) and who falls, in your life.

All My Fountains

I am currently obsessed with this song. Literally, I've been dancing, singing, shouting, grooving, and a whole lot of other things to it since Passion. It's called All My Fountains. See if you can find it. I'm counting down the days until the CD comes out and I can jam to it, very, very, loudly.

Ugh, it is so so so so so so good. And a cry of my heart too. I was talking yesterday with a friend about this song. We both had this song stuck in our heads. It both spoke to us and made us want to sing, dance, shout, groove, and a whole lot of other things to it. He said something about how he didn't know exactly why the song was so good. 
And I have a theory. Part of this post, the part you are about to read, is something I've had written for some time. Here is my theory. There are times in worship when words just are not enough. Not even close to enough. You've pretty much lost control and gotten beyond lost in worship. (If this has never happened to you, start praying for it because it, well it cannot even be described, you just need to experience it. Seriously.) And at some point, words just aren't enough. And then, the song does something crazy. Instead of words, clapping or something like that comes and it makes the song so much more. 
When I said that, he nearly jumped out of the chair, "YES!" Because it's true. Because I serve the God who is beyond description, the God who is more than any word ever spoken, who cannot be contained by words (or anything for that matter). You may think I'm crazy but you know what I'm talking about if something like this has happened to you. 
Here's my example. It's from the Passion:Awakening CD. Hillsong, With Everything. There comes a part in the song where words aren't used and "Oh" is. And I can't help but get into it. I've included the song so maybe it would help you understand.

I feel like I've made little sense, but I had to share. Does anyone out there understand?

Irony

Oh the irony. Or rather God speaking, because it isn't an accident. Today in the Bible study on Paul by Beth Moore that I'm doing, had a question in it. 
Ready for it?

Express your willingness to trust God even when you don't understand. How would you put that into words? 

You think God is trying to get me attention about trusting Him? Yeah, I do too. I just had to share that since I wrote forever about it yesterday. God is too cool. Love, love, love my Savior.

trust Me

Let me start off by saying, I'm glad Passion 2011 is over. Passion was incredibly difficult for me.  I was beyond distracted. Almost every time before worship, something would throw me off and I would battle to be at Passion. My head wanted to go off in it's own world, wrapped up in thoughts. I would pray and pray, I would worship as hard as I could, but nothing helped. I was so frustrated. Frustrated with myself for "missing God." 
I should note though, I did learn a lot going this year. God spoke through my family group, the speakers, the worship songs, and my devotions.  I'm glad I went. I don't regret it. But it was H-A-R-D! Just like this past month has been.
So there I sat, my head not in worship, lost in my own mind on Monday morning. I had been distracted all morning. From the time I got to community group to then.  I hadn't finished my devotions and so I knew I needed to.  I went and sat alone (the plus of being in a suite, I could move and sit alone). I pulled out Jesus Calling. January 3rd was about Jesus being our burden-bearer. I needed to hear that. I was still frustrated. Frustrated of the unknown, the hurt, heartache, confusion, anything and everything. Especially myself and why God wasn't coming through.
And then I began to journal. I want to share. I never ever do this but I feel like I should. It was literally this conversation with God, which I've also never written down in my journal.
I'm not including all of it, but most of it. It's long, I wrote 7 pages front and back that morning. The italics are what I think God was saying to me.


"To say that I am distracted would be the understatement of the universe. To say I've somewhat lost control of my mind is a lie. I think I've lost all control.  Why is this so hard? What is the purpose? What am I missing? What do I need to be learning?"


What are you doing, my child?


"Trying to worship You! Leaving all else but it isn't working. I am angry at myself. Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand. I really don't. I come to Passion to escape everything in me wants to run away and hide."


Why?


"Because it hurts. I've poured my heart out to you. I feel like my heart is shattered. Broken! Shattered! Don't you feel it Lord? I feel like I have this gaping wound open. I can't fix it. Why couldn't I have just come to Passion and just relish in you love, be spoken to."


I am speaking, maybe you aren't hearing me. I'm not asking you to leave everything behind.  I'm asking you to bring everything to me, holding out your arms, surrendering everything. Leaving it with me!!! 
Do you remember when you were in high school and you had to wake up every morning and say, "I forgive him?" And then continually throughout the day, you kept saying, "I forgive him."


"Yes. I do."


Well that is what you need to do.Wake up every morning and say, "I trust you, Lord. You are in control."  And every time you need to during the day.


"But Lord, that's not answers!!!! I hate hate hate this awkward limbo, the awkwardness, the heartache. I want answers. I want direction. Can I have a clue? Am I blind? Is the answer there and I'm missing it? Lord, where are you in this? I don't understand. I hate this. I don't understand."


You are broken. You have not been crushed.  I have a plan for you. Isn't that what you've heard this week? I have a plan. I DO! I'm God and you are not. I have answers and you don't.


"I trust You, Lord. You are in control."


I love you. Don't you see that? This past month, I have held your hand, sat with you as you cried, breathed air in you when you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe. I was your companion when you felt alone. Those people who love you? Me. Those people who have reached out and poured into you? Me! Those moments at Passion that your eyes nearly popped out of your head, heart racing, and all you want to do is hide? Yes, still Me. I love you, Katie. I love you. 
What is your favorite verse?


"Isaiah 43:14"


What does it say?


"But now, this is what the LORD says— 
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead. 
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life." 


What does it say?


"You love me. You are with me. I trust You, Lord. You are in control."


Every time during worship, during a sermon, during any moment my mind began to drift and it was not of the Lord, I would say "I trust You, Lord. You are in control." It was healing.


I realized that I had not been trusting the Lord with this. I'm scared to. I am. I don't trust that what He has planned is different than what I want or think I want. But here's the thing, my own mind is battling polar opposite arguments, so how do I trust myself in this? I don't even know what the Lord is asking me! 
This morning I get up at 6:30 to get ready and have time for my devotions. I sit out in the hall of our hotel and read my Bible study, than I open up Jesus Calling. Guess what the first two sentences are?

I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus," in response to whatever happens to you.

Spiritual.Slap.Across.The.Face!!!! Literally, my head turned a little as if it had and I heard a smacking noise. If it had actually happened, I see it more as tapping me on the face. But mentally, it was a smack. I began to laugh. "Seriously, Lord? You weren't kidding!" I just praised Him. It was so awesome. Glory to God. Praise our Father in heaven.
That right there is the reason I went to Passion. I don't think I would have realized I wasn't trusting God if I hadn't gone. Now, I'm not there, but I'm feeling some peace and I have said that phrase a hundred times today. I'm working on trusting Him. It will be a process. I've decided to memorize verses dealing with trusting the Lord. I'll share them once I find ones. I have more to share about Passion, but I think you've read enough for now.