Control

Confession: I am a control freak.


I wrote that post the other day about trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him.  And as more of my life is being thrown into the grey area with a giant question mark, it is getting easier, because the more things that happen, the more they are out of my control.  


I am the kind of control freak who plans. I like a target to aim at, generally I like a way to get there or I decide on my own. I'm stubborn (the older I get, the more I see that everyday). At times, I'm even inflexible or it sure looks like that.  It's one of those ugly warts I have. We all have them and this is one of mine.  I want to know what I'm doing, when, how, where, etc. The "why" isn't always important. I have become more and more aware of this side of me over the past year and I'm actually very grateful that it's been pointed out to me by people and even more by the Lord.


I had even more control taken from me yesterday. And honestly, I laughed at it. It did stress me out, but I laughed.  This slap in the face came from school, we have a love/hate relationship.  Of the 7 classes I need to graduate, only 2 of them I have to take, the others are of my choosing, to a certain extent. Well these 2 classes are offered only once in the fall and at the same time....which means if this isn't changed, my already-in-question-December-graduation will disappear and I will graduate in May of 2012. How this all plays out is completely out of my control. I called the person in charge of all this and left a voicemail asking what to do. Not only will my graduation date change, but my summer plans will too. I won't do a school-sanctioned internship so that I can be full-time for the fall and spring (Pretty fond of the whole health insurance thing!).  That would leave my summer completely open and free. I'm just trusting the Lord. He knows when I will graduate from college and what my summer plans are, what job I'm going to have, and even what words I'm going to right next. He's got it all. He's in control.


I should tell you though, when I saw the schedule conflict, a question almost crossed my lips. Thankful it didn't. What's the question? "What else you got, Lord?" The clip from Bruce Almighty ("Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!) played in my head. However, I do not have the courage to challenge God.  I think of when Job did that and cringe. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell Me, if you understand." Job 38:4
Hmmm, yeahno I don't want that to happen. 
I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that in my own, not direct challenging God way.  Before everything went down or rather up into the air, I knew there were things I was not relinquishing. And I boldly told God, "You are going to have to take these from my hands, because I just can't hand them over." I honestly meant it, too.  It wasn't a "come and get it if you want it". It was an earnest, "I'm having trouble letting this go. I know You want so take it from me." And He has. It hasn't happened like I imagined. Ever. But literally every day that goes by, He takes more. Somethings I didn't even know I hadn't given Him. He's taking it all though. And I praise Him for it. 


I can screw things up before opening my mouth. I think as humans we are experts at messing things up. I have desires, wants, visions, and dreams of how I want things to play out, but it is so far out of my control at the moment, I couldn't make those things happen, no matter what I did.


So here's the lesson I learned.
When you ask for God to break you, to take control of your life, He does. Case in point? me.
Ask it if you dare, but don't think He isn't going to do it.


My name is Katie and I'm a control freak.

Comfort

Play this while reading, please.


Today as I walked into my room to go to bed, I found this.

My Bible resting on my pillow and a box of tissues. Probably two of the most essential things in my life right now.  I couldn't help but smile.  You see, as I made my way upstairs, I was thinking about how so many earthly comforts are being taken away from me. 
(And I'm not talking about possessions, although my house will be going up for sale in the next fews weeks. It's the "home" factor I'm losing with it, not the actual house. And there's a whole lot of relational changes going on, as well as life and future changes. Really, everything's just been tossed into the air this last month. Maybe not everything, but a lot of things.)
Anyway, my Bible hadn't magically been left there, I had put it there this morning in search for a verse that I had on my heart. And happened (Jesus) to leave it open.
As I stared at this precious book, two verses that had been playing in my head came to mind.
Isaiah 40:1

And then 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Not only are these verses what I need to claim but I love the headings that go before each. "Comfort for God's People" and "The God of All Comfort"
I don't know why some things are happening and why they are happening the way they are. Some things I don't understand. I have wants and desires about everything, but I don't believe God is focusing on that. I don't believe they are being ignored, nor are they completely inconsequential, I just think God's trying to get me past the biggest hump, before anything else.
Let me paint a visual picture of what I'm feeling about my life right now.  Imagine you are standing over your kitchen sink, you are rinsing off vegetables in a colander. You shake off the excess water and turn to put them in a bowl, just as you turn, your feet get tangled up and you begin to fall, arms going up. Freeze, see it? Do you see all those vegetables coming out of the colander and about to scatter everywhere? That's how I see my life.
So that's kind of how I feel. I know a huge thing that the Lord is teaching me is to rely on Him above all else, above comfort, above people, above plans, above everything. HE is my comfort. HE is my everything. I just need to cling to Him and His Word. He is not going to abandon me or leave me out to dry. There is purpose for this, I'm already seeing that. (I may not always remember that.) To trust Him.
Huh, that's funny, basically the theme in my life for 2011. (See trust Me from January 4th).


The song that you've been listening to is one that I have played over and over again, because it's where I am.


"And I find myself here on my knees again." (Yep, that's where I am.)


Working on trusting the Lord and finding my comfort in Him during all this.


"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

snowed in.

I have tried writing whatever I am trying to say for this post multiple times. I am frustrated at this point. I don’t exactly know what I am trying to write about but I know there’s something inside this head of mine. Writer’s block? Cabin Fever?  Who knows? Not sure I care at this point.I have been stuck in my house since Sunday night. The farthest I have gotten is to the end of my driveway.  It also looks like I will be stuck here for another two days. I don’t mind too much. Yet. 

See, school was supposed to start this week. I was about to jump into 12 hours of classes and 20 hours of working. Along with 2 Bible studies, college weekday worship service, volunteering, mission trip training, and a social life (with whatever time was left). And then Sunday night, the world around me turned white. Giant white glittering snowflakes filled the views outside my house and I was mystified.  I hate cold weather, but I love snow. Snow is the only good thing about winter weather. And I had to stop. I cannot leave my house safely and I don’t intend to risk my life for a gallon of milk. I have connection with the “outside” world. I can talk to my other snowed in friends, browser the internet, etc., I just can’t go anywhere.

The Lord is using this time.  Last month, I apologized to one of my friends for being so busy and not staying in touch. He responded, “It’s ok. You’ve been busy. It happens.” My first thought, which I told him, was, “Yes, but we live in a world that constantly “demands” that we go 100mph. Being busy is a part of life, not an excuse.” The past two days of life have been slow and the Lord is using this. He isn’t showing me to take it easy or anything like that, but He is speaking to me.  The last two days of Jesus Calling have been about trust. Yes, God is still SHOUTING that message at me and I am relishing it. I need to be constantly reminded to trust my Savior. Time and time again, I have proven myself to be untrustworthy. Time and time again, He has proven beyond trustworthy. If this snow hadn’t come, I would not have to opportunity to continue to soak in trusting Him. I want to trust Him in everything. I want to thank him for the answers He has yet to bring, but are coming (that was what Jesus Calling was about today). Our Lord is so good. Regardless of the answers and desires I crave, at the end of the day, He will reign supreme. His answers have been, are, and always will be better than I could have imagined.  

I am so grateful for this snow, because it allows for a few more days of quietness of just me and God because life kicks back into high gear.

By the way, in case you are wondering, I have decided to give up a few things. 

If you are snowed in like me, I would love to know how it is going for you.

Trust Verses

Psalm 57:11
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.


Isaiah 26:4
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock eternal.

Irony

Oh the irony. Or rather God speaking, because it isn't an accident. Today in the Bible study on Paul by Beth Moore that I'm doing, had a question in it. 
Ready for it?

Express your willingness to trust God even when you don't understand. How would you put that into words? 

You think God is trying to get me attention about trusting Him? Yeah, I do too. I just had to share that since I wrote forever about it yesterday. God is too cool. Love, love, love my Savior.

trust Me

Let me start off by saying, I'm glad Passion 2011 is over. Passion was incredibly difficult for me.  I was beyond distracted. Almost every time before worship, something would throw me off and I would battle to be at Passion. My head wanted to go off in it's own world, wrapped up in thoughts. I would pray and pray, I would worship as hard as I could, but nothing helped. I was so frustrated. Frustrated with myself for "missing God." 
I should note though, I did learn a lot going this year. God spoke through my family group, the speakers, the worship songs, and my devotions.  I'm glad I went. I don't regret it. But it was H-A-R-D! Just like this past month has been.
So there I sat, my head not in worship, lost in my own mind on Monday morning. I had been distracted all morning. From the time I got to community group to then.  I hadn't finished my devotions and so I knew I needed to.  I went and sat alone (the plus of being in a suite, I could move and sit alone). I pulled out Jesus Calling. January 3rd was about Jesus being our burden-bearer. I needed to hear that. I was still frustrated. Frustrated of the unknown, the hurt, heartache, confusion, anything and everything. Especially myself and why God wasn't coming through.
And then I began to journal. I want to share. I never ever do this but I feel like I should. It was literally this conversation with God, which I've also never written down in my journal.
I'm not including all of it, but most of it. It's long, I wrote 7 pages front and back that morning. The italics are what I think God was saying to me.


"To say that I am distracted would be the understatement of the universe. To say I've somewhat lost control of my mind is a lie. I think I've lost all control.  Why is this so hard? What is the purpose? What am I missing? What do I need to be learning?"


What are you doing, my child?


"Trying to worship You! Leaving all else but it isn't working. I am angry at myself. Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand. I really don't. I come to Passion to escape everything in me wants to run away and hide."


Why?


"Because it hurts. I've poured my heart out to you. I feel like my heart is shattered. Broken! Shattered! Don't you feel it Lord? I feel like I have this gaping wound open. I can't fix it. Why couldn't I have just come to Passion and just relish in you love, be spoken to."


I am speaking, maybe you aren't hearing me. I'm not asking you to leave everything behind.  I'm asking you to bring everything to me, holding out your arms, surrendering everything. Leaving it with me!!! 
Do you remember when you were in high school and you had to wake up every morning and say, "I forgive him?" And then continually throughout the day, you kept saying, "I forgive him."


"Yes. I do."


Well that is what you need to do.Wake up every morning and say, "I trust you, Lord. You are in control."  And every time you need to during the day.


"But Lord, that's not answers!!!! I hate hate hate this awkward limbo, the awkwardness, the heartache. I want answers. I want direction. Can I have a clue? Am I blind? Is the answer there and I'm missing it? Lord, where are you in this? I don't understand. I hate this. I don't understand."


You are broken. You have not been crushed.  I have a plan for you. Isn't that what you've heard this week? I have a plan. I DO! I'm God and you are not. I have answers and you don't.


"I trust You, Lord. You are in control."


I love you. Don't you see that? This past month, I have held your hand, sat with you as you cried, breathed air in you when you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe. I was your companion when you felt alone. Those people who love you? Me. Those people who have reached out and poured into you? Me! Those moments at Passion that your eyes nearly popped out of your head, heart racing, and all you want to do is hide? Yes, still Me. I love you, Katie. I love you. 
What is your favorite verse?


"Isaiah 43:14"


What does it say?


"But now, this is what the LORD says— 
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead. 
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life." 


What does it say?


"You love me. You are with me. I trust You, Lord. You are in control."


Every time during worship, during a sermon, during any moment my mind began to drift and it was not of the Lord, I would say "I trust You, Lord. You are in control." It was healing.


I realized that I had not been trusting the Lord with this. I'm scared to. I am. I don't trust that what He has planned is different than what I want or think I want. But here's the thing, my own mind is battling polar opposite arguments, so how do I trust myself in this? I don't even know what the Lord is asking me! 
This morning I get up at 6:30 to get ready and have time for my devotions. I sit out in the hall of our hotel and read my Bible study, than I open up Jesus Calling. Guess what the first two sentences are?

I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus," in response to whatever happens to you.

Spiritual.Slap.Across.The.Face!!!! Literally, my head turned a little as if it had and I heard a smacking noise. If it had actually happened, I see it more as tapping me on the face. But mentally, it was a smack. I began to laugh. "Seriously, Lord? You weren't kidding!" I just praised Him. It was so awesome. Glory to God. Praise our Father in heaven.
That right there is the reason I went to Passion. I don't think I would have realized I wasn't trusting God if I hadn't gone. Now, I'm not there, but I'm feeling some peace and I have said that phrase a hundred times today. I'm working on trusting Him. It will be a process. I've decided to memorize verses dealing with trusting the Lord. I'll share them once I find ones. I have more to share about Passion, but I think you've read enough for now.