Control

Confession: I am a control freak.


I wrote that post the other day about trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him.  And as more of my life is being thrown into the grey area with a giant question mark, it is getting easier, because the more things that happen, the more they are out of my control.  


I am the kind of control freak who plans. I like a target to aim at, generally I like a way to get there or I decide on my own. I'm stubborn (the older I get, the more I see that everyday). At times, I'm even inflexible or it sure looks like that.  It's one of those ugly warts I have. We all have them and this is one of mine.  I want to know what I'm doing, when, how, where, etc. The "why" isn't always important. I have become more and more aware of this side of me over the past year and I'm actually very grateful that it's been pointed out to me by people and even more by the Lord.


I had even more control taken from me yesterday. And honestly, I laughed at it. It did stress me out, but I laughed.  This slap in the face came from school, we have a love/hate relationship.  Of the 7 classes I need to graduate, only 2 of them I have to take, the others are of my choosing, to a certain extent. Well these 2 classes are offered only once in the fall and at the same time....which means if this isn't changed, my already-in-question-December-graduation will disappear and I will graduate in May of 2012. How this all plays out is completely out of my control. I called the person in charge of all this and left a voicemail asking what to do. Not only will my graduation date change, but my summer plans will too. I won't do a school-sanctioned internship so that I can be full-time for the fall and spring (Pretty fond of the whole health insurance thing!).  That would leave my summer completely open and free. I'm just trusting the Lord. He knows when I will graduate from college and what my summer plans are, what job I'm going to have, and even what words I'm going to right next. He's got it all. He's in control.


I should tell you though, when I saw the schedule conflict, a question almost crossed my lips. Thankful it didn't. What's the question? "What else you got, Lord?" The clip from Bruce Almighty ("Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!) played in my head. However, I do not have the courage to challenge God.  I think of when Job did that and cringe. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell Me, if you understand." Job 38:4
Hmmm, yeahno I don't want that to happen. 
I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that in my own, not direct challenging God way.  Before everything went down or rather up into the air, I knew there were things I was not relinquishing. And I boldly told God, "You are going to have to take these from my hands, because I just can't hand them over." I honestly meant it, too.  It wasn't a "come and get it if you want it". It was an earnest, "I'm having trouble letting this go. I know You want so take it from me." And He has. It hasn't happened like I imagined. Ever. But literally every day that goes by, He takes more. Somethings I didn't even know I hadn't given Him. He's taking it all though. And I praise Him for it. 


I can screw things up before opening my mouth. I think as humans we are experts at messing things up. I have desires, wants, visions, and dreams of how I want things to play out, but it is so far out of my control at the moment, I couldn't make those things happen, no matter what I did.


So here's the lesson I learned.
When you ask for God to break you, to take control of your life, He does. Case in point? me.
Ask it if you dare, but don't think He isn't going to do it.


My name is Katie and I'm a control freak.