Two more days

My house sold this month. Almost 14 years here. I am a homebody. Ridiculously so. I finished packing my room today. I couldn't handle doing it all at once. Luckily, I've had someone by my side every time I've worked on it the past week. My safe zone for the past 7 years. This place has been my refuge. I've laughed, mourned, cried, grew up, experienced life, learned to cook, clean, garden, work, everything here. I've experienced dark times here and beautiful times. I have two nights left here. I can't believe this is the end. Some stranger will come and make memories here. Grow plants. Cook meals. Celebrate holidays. Love. Hurt. Live. Here, in my home, well for two more days.
And it's been me and my mom. Easily my favorite person in this world. It's just been us for the past 9 years. We did not have the typical teenage hardships. We actually got along great. And we still do. Had our rough patches, but always came out stronger. This is our last week living together. She got married last night (9 days early thanks to a miscommunication and legal jurisdiction for a marriage license.) She's moving 500 miles away. I'm not losing her, but I am as my roommate.


Two.more.days.


And my whole world changes. I'll spend six weeks in Texas serving as an intern for a youth camp and come back to finish college. I don't know if it will be home anymore. I can't imagine living in Atlanta without my mom around. I can't imagine not spending hours working in the yard or doing some crazy DIY project here.


Two more days and it all ends. God knew all this was going to happen this week. It isn't a surprise to Him. And He isn't freaking out. I HAVE to trust that. I HAVE to depend on Him. My brother says if God didn't give you more than you could handle, you wouldn't need Him.


Boy, is this more than I can handle. And boy do I need Him. Not sure how I'm going to make it through these next two days. Only through Him.


Clinging to Isaiah 43:1-5.

Prayers.

I would greatly appreciate prayers. Life is hitting me hard. Everything is changing. I came home sobbing last night, regretting a decision, and asking God why He was taking everything from me all at once. I know that is dramatic, but a ton is being taken away. And honestly, I don't want to let go of any of it. It is all very near and dear to my heart, things that mean the most of me.  I know that I have to be willing to give everything up to the Lord and let Him take it. I'm trying to trust in that. There are only a few things I could fight for and I don't know if I should. Somethings I am going to lose. Somethings are going to change. I know the Lord is present and active. I know He loves more than I will ever comprehend. I know He's got great plans for me. I know He hears the cries and desires of my heart. I can't give up on somethings yet. I have too much hope to despair in them. It could be a childish thing, but it's true.

Control

Confession: I am a control freak.


I wrote that post the other day about trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him.  And as more of my life is being thrown into the grey area with a giant question mark, it is getting easier, because the more things that happen, the more they are out of my control.  


I am the kind of control freak who plans. I like a target to aim at, generally I like a way to get there or I decide on my own. I'm stubborn (the older I get, the more I see that everyday). At times, I'm even inflexible or it sure looks like that.  It's one of those ugly warts I have. We all have them and this is one of mine.  I want to know what I'm doing, when, how, where, etc. The "why" isn't always important. I have become more and more aware of this side of me over the past year and I'm actually very grateful that it's been pointed out to me by people and even more by the Lord.


I had even more control taken from me yesterday. And honestly, I laughed at it. It did stress me out, but I laughed.  This slap in the face came from school, we have a love/hate relationship.  Of the 7 classes I need to graduate, only 2 of them I have to take, the others are of my choosing, to a certain extent. Well these 2 classes are offered only once in the fall and at the same time....which means if this isn't changed, my already-in-question-December-graduation will disappear and I will graduate in May of 2012. How this all plays out is completely out of my control. I called the person in charge of all this and left a voicemail asking what to do. Not only will my graduation date change, but my summer plans will too. I won't do a school-sanctioned internship so that I can be full-time for the fall and spring (Pretty fond of the whole health insurance thing!).  That would leave my summer completely open and free. I'm just trusting the Lord. He knows when I will graduate from college and what my summer plans are, what job I'm going to have, and even what words I'm going to right next. He's got it all. He's in control.


I should tell you though, when I saw the schedule conflict, a question almost crossed my lips. Thankful it didn't. What's the question? "What else you got, Lord?" The clip from Bruce Almighty ("Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!) played in my head. However, I do not have the courage to challenge God.  I think of when Job did that and cringe. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell Me, if you understand." Job 38:4
Hmmm, yeahno I don't want that to happen. 
I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that in my own, not direct challenging God way.  Before everything went down or rather up into the air, I knew there were things I was not relinquishing. And I boldly told God, "You are going to have to take these from my hands, because I just can't hand them over." I honestly meant it, too.  It wasn't a "come and get it if you want it". It was an earnest, "I'm having trouble letting this go. I know You want so take it from me." And He has. It hasn't happened like I imagined. Ever. But literally every day that goes by, He takes more. Somethings I didn't even know I hadn't given Him. He's taking it all though. And I praise Him for it. 


I can screw things up before opening my mouth. I think as humans we are experts at messing things up. I have desires, wants, visions, and dreams of how I want things to play out, but it is so far out of my control at the moment, I couldn't make those things happen, no matter what I did.


So here's the lesson I learned.
When you ask for God to break you, to take control of your life, He does. Case in point? me.
Ask it if you dare, but don't think He isn't going to do it.


My name is Katie and I'm a control freak.

Comfort

Play this while reading, please.


Today as I walked into my room to go to bed, I found this.

My Bible resting on my pillow and a box of tissues. Probably two of the most essential things in my life right now.  I couldn't help but smile.  You see, as I made my way upstairs, I was thinking about how so many earthly comforts are being taken away from me. 
(And I'm not talking about possessions, although my house will be going up for sale in the next fews weeks. It's the "home" factor I'm losing with it, not the actual house. And there's a whole lot of relational changes going on, as well as life and future changes. Really, everything's just been tossed into the air this last month. Maybe not everything, but a lot of things.)
Anyway, my Bible hadn't magically been left there, I had put it there this morning in search for a verse that I had on my heart. And happened (Jesus) to leave it open.
As I stared at this precious book, two verses that had been playing in my head came to mind.
Isaiah 40:1

And then 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Not only are these verses what I need to claim but I love the headings that go before each. "Comfort for God's People" and "The God of All Comfort"
I don't know why some things are happening and why they are happening the way they are. Some things I don't understand. I have wants and desires about everything, but I don't believe God is focusing on that. I don't believe they are being ignored, nor are they completely inconsequential, I just think God's trying to get me past the biggest hump, before anything else.
Let me paint a visual picture of what I'm feeling about my life right now.  Imagine you are standing over your kitchen sink, you are rinsing off vegetables in a colander. You shake off the excess water and turn to put them in a bowl, just as you turn, your feet get tangled up and you begin to fall, arms going up. Freeze, see it? Do you see all those vegetables coming out of the colander and about to scatter everywhere? That's how I see my life.
So that's kind of how I feel. I know a huge thing that the Lord is teaching me is to rely on Him above all else, above comfort, above people, above plans, above everything. HE is my comfort. HE is my everything. I just need to cling to Him and His Word. He is not going to abandon me or leave me out to dry. There is purpose for this, I'm already seeing that. (I may not always remember that.) To trust Him.
Huh, that's funny, basically the theme in my life for 2011. (See trust Me from January 4th).


The song that you've been listening to is one that I have played over and over again, because it's where I am.


"And I find myself here on my knees again." (Yep, that's where I am.)


Working on trusting the Lord and finding my comfort in Him during all this.


"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

2010

Originally, I wrote a post about my year. Reviewing it, month by month. However, it was an incredibly vague review. Few names were listed and only glimpses of memories were included.  I loved 2010, I really did.  
For New Year's Eve, I'm choosing to do nothing.  I had an expectation of what it would be like this year and although I've had some time to change that expectation, it hasn't really worked.  I tried to make plans, talked with friends and none of it seemed good enough. Nothing was going to save this night for me, so why try? Yes, I sound pathetic. Don't really care, it's how I feel. So I chose to be alone. No one needed to experience a grouchy New Year's Eve-er.
I have reviewed parts of this year numerous times over this past month. And these past few days, I've reviewed the entire year over and over again.  It was a great year in my eyes. It was a year full of surprises. Wonderful, delightful surprises.  I learned a lot. Love. Relationships. The Lord. Myself. Others. Life. So many things.  
I'm almost tempted to say I'm going to miss this year, but truth is I'll miss memories of this year.  There are memories from this year that I hope never to forget, that I never want to forget.  Memories I hold so dear to my heart. Memories I cherish deeply.  As "Hey, Soul Sister" plays on repeat right now, many of those memories flood my head. It was pretty much my song for this year.  How I loved 2010.
I miss something everyday. And I dream about it every night. 
Now don't get me wrong, 2010 had some ugly parts to it. Things I never saw coming, never wanted to see coming, or never wanted to see.  Parts have been hard, really hard. My heart has been broken a couple of times and I've experienced pain that I had never felt before. I've had to deal with changes and truths that are real whether I like it or not.  
Isn't that a part of growing up though? You experience pain, heartache, joy, love, laughter, happiness, ugliness, and beauty.  Aren't there times when you feel like the biggest mess, you feel like you are still picking up pieces of yourself, while someone else has continued with barely scrapped knees? Looks can be deceiving, but sometimes, glimpses are all we get and what we feel goes far deeper than rationale can reach.
2010 changed my life. Yes, every year that passes changes my life, probably every day, but this year was different. It was beyond expectation. I never saw most of it coming.  This year turned my life upside and inside out.  And I'll love it for that and so much more.  
I have no idea what 2011 will hold, nor do I have a choice but to enter into it. So enter into I will, with little expectation. Knowing that whatever comes, whatever choices I make, whatever happens, the only constant thing will be Jesus. And I pray to cling to Him like He is my only hope, because He is.  I have no idea where to go from here, but I don't have a choice, really. Forward.
I loved 2010. I pray 2011 is even better. Happy New Year to you. May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Pathetically Lacking Weaknesses

Do you ever have those moments in life where you just want to get lost? Where you just want to lose reality for a little while and forget? It’s those times in life when the heartbreak, of any kind, just overwhelms you, physically affects you. That’s where I am. I’m not talking about going off the deep end or giving up. That’s not who I am. I’m taking about the feeling you have when you sit down and read a book and before you know it the day is gone and night has come. Or when you are spending time with a friend or family member and you are enjoying yourself so much, hours seem like minutes. Moments like that. In a world where time is money and life is short, I desire that. Maybe it will only last a few days. Or maybe it will take a little bit longer.

My life has undergone some serious changes lately. Or even the realization that serious changes are coming. I’m in the process of mourning what my life has been like the past 22 years or even the past few months. Because it is all changing. I’ve never been one to deal with change well. See, if you don’t know me well, I take time to process EVERYTHING. And I’m slow at it too. Generally, reality doesn’t hit me or I don’t understand until later. Even a few days later. So when things change faster than I saw coming, my processing shuts down. And I just get stuck.

I don’t reach out for help when those times come, sometimes the people closet to me, the people I love the most, don’t even know what’s going on through my head. I want to appear like I’ve got things figured out. All the time. I have immense trouble admitting I’m not ok or something is wrong, because it makes me feel like I’m weak and lacking and pathetic. I feel like I need to keep things together for everyone else. And for people to not lose respect or faith in me. But the truth is I am weak and lacking and pathetic. Another name for what I am: a sinner. And the most important people in my life will be there for me regardless. See, they are sinners too. Even better than that, the people I’m thinking of have been redeemed. And so have I. I can’t live life, pretending like things are ok 100% of the time. I can’t survive this life without Christ carrying me through it. And I can’t enjoy this life without these amazing redeemed people.

Well here it goes. My name is Katie and I am not as strong as I’d like to think or say I am. I am weak. I am lacking. I am pathetic. I am not OK. Take it or leave it. I go through times when I just want someone to hold my hand or just hold me and say it’s going to be ok. When I want prayers and verses read over me. When I don’t want to be embarrassed or ashamed of crying.

I have a lot of wonderful, amazing things in my life. I have been blessed more than I could ever imagine and absolutely more than I deserve. I haven’t forgotten those. I’m just trying to grasp the changes. I’m trying to be that woman who suffered for 12 years and to touch the Savior’s robe, knowing that touch alone would heal.

I’m sure this is just rambling. Exhaustion and emotion from the past few weeks is certainly catching up to me. And that’s ok. This is where I am at 1AM today. In a few hours, everything could be different. Or not. I just want my Savior and the people I love.

PS tomorrow, I will find something to lose myself in for a few hours.