Control

Confession: I am a control freak.


I wrote that post the other day about trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him.  And as more of my life is being thrown into the grey area with a giant question mark, it is getting easier, because the more things that happen, the more they are out of my control.  


I am the kind of control freak who plans. I like a target to aim at, generally I like a way to get there or I decide on my own. I'm stubborn (the older I get, the more I see that everyday). At times, I'm even inflexible or it sure looks like that.  It's one of those ugly warts I have. We all have them and this is one of mine.  I want to know what I'm doing, when, how, where, etc. The "why" isn't always important. I have become more and more aware of this side of me over the past year and I'm actually very grateful that it's been pointed out to me by people and even more by the Lord.


I had even more control taken from me yesterday. And honestly, I laughed at it. It did stress me out, but I laughed.  This slap in the face came from school, we have a love/hate relationship.  Of the 7 classes I need to graduate, only 2 of them I have to take, the others are of my choosing, to a certain extent. Well these 2 classes are offered only once in the fall and at the same time....which means if this isn't changed, my already-in-question-December-graduation will disappear and I will graduate in May of 2012. How this all plays out is completely out of my control. I called the person in charge of all this and left a voicemail asking what to do. Not only will my graduation date change, but my summer plans will too. I won't do a school-sanctioned internship so that I can be full-time for the fall and spring (Pretty fond of the whole health insurance thing!).  That would leave my summer completely open and free. I'm just trusting the Lord. He knows when I will graduate from college and what my summer plans are, what job I'm going to have, and even what words I'm going to right next. He's got it all. He's in control.


I should tell you though, when I saw the schedule conflict, a question almost crossed my lips. Thankful it didn't. What's the question? "What else you got, Lord?" The clip from Bruce Almighty ("Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!) played in my head. However, I do not have the courage to challenge God.  I think of when Job did that and cringe. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell Me, if you understand." Job 38:4
Hmmm, yeahno I don't want that to happen. 
I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that in my own, not direct challenging God way.  Before everything went down or rather up into the air, I knew there were things I was not relinquishing. And I boldly told God, "You are going to have to take these from my hands, because I just can't hand them over." I honestly meant it, too.  It wasn't a "come and get it if you want it". It was an earnest, "I'm having trouble letting this go. I know You want so take it from me." And He has. It hasn't happened like I imagined. Ever. But literally every day that goes by, He takes more. Somethings I didn't even know I hadn't given Him. He's taking it all though. And I praise Him for it. 


I can screw things up before opening my mouth. I think as humans we are experts at messing things up. I have desires, wants, visions, and dreams of how I want things to play out, but it is so far out of my control at the moment, I couldn't make those things happen, no matter what I did.


So here's the lesson I learned.
When you ask for God to break you, to take control of your life, He does. Case in point? me.
Ask it if you dare, but don't think He isn't going to do it.


My name is Katie and I'm a control freak.

Playing it safe

I'm in the process of deciding my summer plans. I've had a few internship offers. I'm excited about each for different reasons. However, there are still issues. I consider myself an idealist. I want the visions, dreams, hopes in my head to come true. And well, life doesn't exactly work like that.
I sat in my car with Alex the other day talking about how I felt like I hadn't done much in college. I hadn't lived it out. How when I thought about college, the life I'm living is not what I had imagined. And the last part, for sure, is true. I didn't think my life would look like what it does. And it frustrates me, a lot sometimes. I know, see, and hear about college experiences, roommate adventures, road trips, mission trips, basically anything you think of and I get really jealous, because I haven't gotten to/ haven't done most of that. I have 10 months before I graduate and most of those things aren't even options anymore, because I have to be "responsible." I don't think there's a word I hate more right now than that one. 
I don't want to get stupid and do ridiculous things. I don't want to go off the deep end. I have no desire to do anything bad. I just want to live. I want to do something crazy. Like spend the summer in Africa or do the World Race or work for a refugee organization. I want to dive into the world and get dirty (in a Biblical sense, thank you very much!).
Will I do those things? I doubt it. I'll probably take the safest route, because that's who I am. I went to the "safest" college and stayed there. I have lived these four years in a bubble. I'll take the most responsible internship. I'll graduate and get a job, probably go to seminary. 
Here's where I am at. In 10 months, I "enter" the real world. However, I entered it a long time ago. It's just that that's what everyone will officially expect of me when I graduate. I feel like my youth is ending. It's not that I don't want to become an adult, I just don't want to be "that" adult. Living a normal, boring expected life. And I feel like that's what I've been living, because that's just who I am. I will be the responsible adult. I will do what's expected and needed. 
What it all boils down to is that I feel like I am a coward. The reason I haven't done most of the things is because I'm scared.
So as I poured my frustrations out to Alex, I said that I felt like a nobody.  He looked at me with the most sincere face, "You aren't a nobody to me."  He went one to talk about my friends and family. And what I have done. And I realized that while I wallow in my self-pity, I'm acting like my life is over and I'm downplaying/ ignoring the blessings of the people and things I have in my life. I have no idea when I'm going to die, but I'm not dead yet. I can't change the past, but I can live in the moment and the future is wide open.
I also realized that the world's idea of responsible and God's idea are worlds apart. And I choose God's. I choose to be a fool for Christ.
So here's to a life full of laughter and joy, some tears, immense faith, a life full of adventure!


Here's to a life worth living.

Christians can be frustrating

I am upset. No, I am more than upset. I am ticked. Really, really ticked.
My church is having a solemn assembly on Sunday. A solemn assembly is a time when the Israelites would gather and humbly repent before God for their own sins and the sins of their nation. It was a time when they recognized the holiness of God and their utter failings.
Here are some Biblical examples of solemn assembly.  
1 Samuel 7:5-6
2 Samuel 6:14
1 Chronicles 13-18
2 Chronicles 15:9-15
2 Chronicles 20:3-13
2 Chronicles 29:5
2 Chronicles 34:31-33
Ezra 6:16-22
Ezra 8:21-23
Ezra 9:5-15
Nehemiah 8:1
Joel 1:13
Joel 2:12-17
As you can see, it happened numerous times.  I have prayed over this coming Sunday since I have heard about. I am doing everything I can to prepare for it. Our church offered a devotional and I have done it every day. I have kept up my own devotionals and I am fasting from certain things. I will NOT let this Sunday go to waste in my own life. I feel so strongly about it. And here comes my rant. (I thought I should warn you)
I went to the prayer meeting tonight at my church.  We met to pray over Sunday.  I had to be the youngest person there by 20 years. Of the 60 or so people that showed up, less than 10 were under the age of 60.  Really? Did the people my age not know or not care enough? I'd like to believe that they didn't know, but I know better. As much as I love the older generation, they are not the future of our world or nation. They will not be the ones to carry Jesus' name to the nations. They will not be in the workplace standing up for what is right. They will not be teaching future generations. They will not be CEOs or government officials. Who will that be? My generation. We are the future and right now I feel like we are wasting away. "But Katie, it's only one prayer meeting." 
Is it really? 
No, it is not. 
Did you know that the largest Buddhist temple is in Boulder, CO?
 Guess where the largest Islamic training center is. Brooklyn, NY. 
Now guess where the largest church is. South Korea. 
The book Unchristian shows statistic after statistic of my generation pushing church farther and farther away. We are "spiritual" or "religious" but we don't pick one belief or want to offend someone. I don't care if I offend someone because I believe in Christ (I'm not going to throw Jesus in peoples' faces or anything like that, but I will not be ashamed). And you can bet my life, I'm picking one belief, Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
The saddest part of tonight was that my church knew young people weren't going to show. Not because we weren't invited. Not because they didn't want us there. Because that's how the world sees us and we proved them right tonight. All we sang were old old hymns. Nothing wrong with hymns, but no one in my generation sings them. 
How come something like Passion comes along and we go nuts? Passion City Church? Some cool, trendy, hip conference, concert, whatever and we jump on it. We sit in those conferences and they tell us to be radical. To go out and change the world. And the opportunity comes to humbly, as a church, come before God and ask for forgiveness and prayer for our very VERY lost nation. AND NO ONE UNDER THE AGE OF 30 SHOWS UP!!!!!! WHAT ARE WE DOING?!?!
I have sat in the college environment long enough to hear time and time again "I want to be radical in my faith." "I want to live for Jesus." "I want to do this." "I want to do that." 
I am tired of sitting on the couch and saying "I want to (fill in the blank)." I want to be doing it.  
Like it or not, our world is going to hell in a hand basket and we are practically sending muffins with them! Seriously, we are unworthy to carry HIS name. I am unworthy. I am failing, constantly. And I am tired of it. I want more of Jesus and less of me. I want everything to be counted a loss in comparison to the Cross. I want life, not death. We have the opportunity to pray for our nation this Sunday. The older generation needs to pass the torch and WE need to be ready. 
I am not at all trying to be self-righteous and if that's what you get out of this then you have misunderstood my heart in this. I am angry at myself as much as anyone else. Maybe even more. I am broken. I am worthless. I am nothing.
Here's my challenge anyone who goes to JFBC, take every chance you can to prepare for Sunday. Revival could be around the corner. We are the future. We need to go full on praying and preparing. This world is going to get uglier and uglier. It is going to become more and more lost. However, we need to go down fighting it. I do not want to do this alone. It scares me. You do not want to do this alone. Let's be the body of Christ and band together. Let's prepare to meet God on Sunday. I would love to see more college aged/young adults at Saturday night's praying. It's at 5 in the chapel.
Ok, my head has stopped steaming. This sounds radical. It sounds scary, to me at least. It seems too big to do. But if I can it one day at time. One step at a time, depending on my Savior, I can live His plan for my life. And that's all that this solemn assembly is about. Being in step, focused on the King of Glory. And all I want is the King of Glory. I just want Jesus.

snowed in.

I have tried writing whatever I am trying to say for this post multiple times. I am frustrated at this point. I don’t exactly know what I am trying to write about but I know there’s something inside this head of mine. Writer’s block? Cabin Fever?  Who knows? Not sure I care at this point.I have been stuck in my house since Sunday night. The farthest I have gotten is to the end of my driveway.  It also looks like I will be stuck here for another two days. I don’t mind too much. Yet. 

See, school was supposed to start this week. I was about to jump into 12 hours of classes and 20 hours of working. Along with 2 Bible studies, college weekday worship service, volunteering, mission trip training, and a social life (with whatever time was left). And then Sunday night, the world around me turned white. Giant white glittering snowflakes filled the views outside my house and I was mystified.  I hate cold weather, but I love snow. Snow is the only good thing about winter weather. And I had to stop. I cannot leave my house safely and I don’t intend to risk my life for a gallon of milk. I have connection with the “outside” world. I can talk to my other snowed in friends, browser the internet, etc., I just can’t go anywhere.

The Lord is using this time.  Last month, I apologized to one of my friends for being so busy and not staying in touch. He responded, “It’s ok. You’ve been busy. It happens.” My first thought, which I told him, was, “Yes, but we live in a world that constantly “demands” that we go 100mph. Being busy is a part of life, not an excuse.” The past two days of life have been slow and the Lord is using this. He isn’t showing me to take it easy or anything like that, but He is speaking to me.  The last two days of Jesus Calling have been about trust. Yes, God is still SHOUTING that message at me and I am relishing it. I need to be constantly reminded to trust my Savior. Time and time again, I have proven myself to be untrustworthy. Time and time again, He has proven beyond trustworthy. If this snow hadn’t come, I would not have to opportunity to continue to soak in trusting Him. I want to trust Him in everything. I want to thank him for the answers He has yet to bring, but are coming (that was what Jesus Calling was about today). Our Lord is so good. Regardless of the answers and desires I crave, at the end of the day, He will reign supreme. His answers have been, are, and always will be better than I could have imagined.  

I am so grateful for this snow, because it allows for a few more days of quietness of just me and God because life kicks back into high gear.

By the way, in case you are wondering, I have decided to give up a few things. 

If you are snowed in like me, I would love to know how it is going for you.

trust Me

Let me start off by saying, I'm glad Passion 2011 is over. Passion was incredibly difficult for me.  I was beyond distracted. Almost every time before worship, something would throw me off and I would battle to be at Passion. My head wanted to go off in it's own world, wrapped up in thoughts. I would pray and pray, I would worship as hard as I could, but nothing helped. I was so frustrated. Frustrated with myself for "missing God." 
I should note though, I did learn a lot going this year. God spoke through my family group, the speakers, the worship songs, and my devotions.  I'm glad I went. I don't regret it. But it was H-A-R-D! Just like this past month has been.
So there I sat, my head not in worship, lost in my own mind on Monday morning. I had been distracted all morning. From the time I got to community group to then.  I hadn't finished my devotions and so I knew I needed to.  I went and sat alone (the plus of being in a suite, I could move and sit alone). I pulled out Jesus Calling. January 3rd was about Jesus being our burden-bearer. I needed to hear that. I was still frustrated. Frustrated of the unknown, the hurt, heartache, confusion, anything and everything. Especially myself and why God wasn't coming through.
And then I began to journal. I want to share. I never ever do this but I feel like I should. It was literally this conversation with God, which I've also never written down in my journal.
I'm not including all of it, but most of it. It's long, I wrote 7 pages front and back that morning. The italics are what I think God was saying to me.


"To say that I am distracted would be the understatement of the universe. To say I've somewhat lost control of my mind is a lie. I think I've lost all control.  Why is this so hard? What is the purpose? What am I missing? What do I need to be learning?"


What are you doing, my child?


"Trying to worship You! Leaving all else but it isn't working. I am angry at myself. Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand. I really don't. I come to Passion to escape everything in me wants to run away and hide."


Why?


"Because it hurts. I've poured my heart out to you. I feel like my heart is shattered. Broken! Shattered! Don't you feel it Lord? I feel like I have this gaping wound open. I can't fix it. Why couldn't I have just come to Passion and just relish in you love, be spoken to."


I am speaking, maybe you aren't hearing me. I'm not asking you to leave everything behind.  I'm asking you to bring everything to me, holding out your arms, surrendering everything. Leaving it with me!!! 
Do you remember when you were in high school and you had to wake up every morning and say, "I forgive him?" And then continually throughout the day, you kept saying, "I forgive him."


"Yes. I do."


Well that is what you need to do.Wake up every morning and say, "I trust you, Lord. You are in control."  And every time you need to during the day.


"But Lord, that's not answers!!!! I hate hate hate this awkward limbo, the awkwardness, the heartache. I want answers. I want direction. Can I have a clue? Am I blind? Is the answer there and I'm missing it? Lord, where are you in this? I don't understand. I hate this. I don't understand."


You are broken. You have not been crushed.  I have a plan for you. Isn't that what you've heard this week? I have a plan. I DO! I'm God and you are not. I have answers and you don't.


"I trust You, Lord. You are in control."


I love you. Don't you see that? This past month, I have held your hand, sat with you as you cried, breathed air in you when you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe. I was your companion when you felt alone. Those people who love you? Me. Those people who have reached out and poured into you? Me! Those moments at Passion that your eyes nearly popped out of your head, heart racing, and all you want to do is hide? Yes, still Me. I love you, Katie. I love you. 
What is your favorite verse?


"Isaiah 43:14"


What does it say?


"But now, this is what the LORD says— 
   he who created you, Jacob,
   he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
   I have summoned you by name; you are mine. 
   I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
   they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
   you will not be burned;
   the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
   the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
   Cush and Seba in your stead. 
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
   and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
   nations in exchange for your life." 


What does it say?


"You love me. You are with me. I trust You, Lord. You are in control."


Every time during worship, during a sermon, during any moment my mind began to drift and it was not of the Lord, I would say "I trust You, Lord. You are in control." It was healing.


I realized that I had not been trusting the Lord with this. I'm scared to. I am. I don't trust that what He has planned is different than what I want or think I want. But here's the thing, my own mind is battling polar opposite arguments, so how do I trust myself in this? I don't even know what the Lord is asking me! 
This morning I get up at 6:30 to get ready and have time for my devotions. I sit out in the hall of our hotel and read my Bible study, than I open up Jesus Calling. Guess what the first two sentences are?

I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus," in response to whatever happens to you.

Spiritual.Slap.Across.The.Face!!!! Literally, my head turned a little as if it had and I heard a smacking noise. If it had actually happened, I see it more as tapping me on the face. But mentally, it was a smack. I began to laugh. "Seriously, Lord? You weren't kidding!" I just praised Him. It was so awesome. Glory to God. Praise our Father in heaven.
That right there is the reason I went to Passion. I don't think I would have realized I wasn't trusting God if I hadn't gone. Now, I'm not there, but I'm feeling some peace and I have said that phrase a hundred times today. I'm working on trusting Him. It will be a process. I've decided to memorize verses dealing with trusting the Lord. I'll share them once I find ones. I have more to share about Passion, but I think you've read enough for now.

2010

Originally, I wrote a post about my year. Reviewing it, month by month. However, it was an incredibly vague review. Few names were listed and only glimpses of memories were included.  I loved 2010, I really did.  
For New Year's Eve, I'm choosing to do nothing.  I had an expectation of what it would be like this year and although I've had some time to change that expectation, it hasn't really worked.  I tried to make plans, talked with friends and none of it seemed good enough. Nothing was going to save this night for me, so why try? Yes, I sound pathetic. Don't really care, it's how I feel. So I chose to be alone. No one needed to experience a grouchy New Year's Eve-er.
I have reviewed parts of this year numerous times over this past month. And these past few days, I've reviewed the entire year over and over again.  It was a great year in my eyes. It was a year full of surprises. Wonderful, delightful surprises.  I learned a lot. Love. Relationships. The Lord. Myself. Others. Life. So many things.  
I'm almost tempted to say I'm going to miss this year, but truth is I'll miss memories of this year.  There are memories from this year that I hope never to forget, that I never want to forget.  Memories I hold so dear to my heart. Memories I cherish deeply.  As "Hey, Soul Sister" plays on repeat right now, many of those memories flood my head. It was pretty much my song for this year.  How I loved 2010.
I miss something everyday. And I dream about it every night. 
Now don't get me wrong, 2010 had some ugly parts to it. Things I never saw coming, never wanted to see coming, or never wanted to see.  Parts have been hard, really hard. My heart has been broken a couple of times and I've experienced pain that I had never felt before. I've had to deal with changes and truths that are real whether I like it or not.  
Isn't that a part of growing up though? You experience pain, heartache, joy, love, laughter, happiness, ugliness, and beauty.  Aren't there times when you feel like the biggest mess, you feel like you are still picking up pieces of yourself, while someone else has continued with barely scrapped knees? Looks can be deceiving, but sometimes, glimpses are all we get and what we feel goes far deeper than rationale can reach.
2010 changed my life. Yes, every year that passes changes my life, probably every day, but this year was different. It was beyond expectation. I never saw most of it coming.  This year turned my life upside and inside out.  And I'll love it for that and so much more.  
I have no idea what 2011 will hold, nor do I have a choice but to enter into it. So enter into I will, with little expectation. Knowing that whatever comes, whatever choices I make, whatever happens, the only constant thing will be Jesus. And I pray to cling to Him like He is my only hope, because He is.  I have no idea where to go from here, but I don't have a choice, really. Forward.
I loved 2010. I pray 2011 is even better. Happy New Year to you. May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Day 17

Something I look forward to.


I look forward to the end of this process I am going through. To understand and know more than I know now.  To have answers and peace, no more pain and healed from this hurt.


I look forward to getting married. I look forward to walking down the aisle to the man of my dreams and saying "I do." In fact, I had a dream about getting married last night and I hope my real wedding isn't anything like it because it was circus-like and highly disorganized.


I look forward to having kids and raising them. I look forward to the experiences that are coming with all that.  I look forward to watching them grow up under my husband and mine's care.


And most of all, I look forward to seeing my Savior's face at the end of this life. No matter how soon or far away that is. I look forward to Him continuing to mold me into who I need to be for Him.  I look forward to watching people's lives change through and people coming to accept Him as Savior.

Day 16

Dream house.


I definitely have a dream house in my head. It has a big kitchen that I have lots of room to cook in. A big family room for my family and I to play in. A basement or something like that as a "hang out". A beautiful yard on a nice piece of land.  A house not completely in the country but one that has a calmness to it with a Publix nearby (it's my favorite grocery store, any place that doesn't have one is a sad place!).  


However as nice and wonderful as that sounds and how great it would be to have that, I really want a house that is home.  A safe refuge for my husband and family. A home filled with memories of laughter and love.  One that my kids look back at and smile after they've grown. One where my husband feels pride in, coming home to his family and house.  A place where people feel welcome to come.  A home filled with love, family, and friends.