Control

Confession: I am a control freak.


I wrote that post the other day about trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him.  And as more of my life is being thrown into the grey area with a giant question mark, it is getting easier, because the more things that happen, the more they are out of my control.  


I am the kind of control freak who plans. I like a target to aim at, generally I like a way to get there or I decide on my own. I'm stubborn (the older I get, the more I see that everyday). At times, I'm even inflexible or it sure looks like that.  It's one of those ugly warts I have. We all have them and this is one of mine.  I want to know what I'm doing, when, how, where, etc. The "why" isn't always important. I have become more and more aware of this side of me over the past year and I'm actually very grateful that it's been pointed out to me by people and even more by the Lord.


I had even more control taken from me yesterday. And honestly, I laughed at it. It did stress me out, but I laughed.  This slap in the face came from school, we have a love/hate relationship.  Of the 7 classes I need to graduate, only 2 of them I have to take, the others are of my choosing, to a certain extent. Well these 2 classes are offered only once in the fall and at the same time....which means if this isn't changed, my already-in-question-December-graduation will disappear and I will graduate in May of 2012. How this all plays out is completely out of my control. I called the person in charge of all this and left a voicemail asking what to do. Not only will my graduation date change, but my summer plans will too. I won't do a school-sanctioned internship so that I can be full-time for the fall and spring (Pretty fond of the whole health insurance thing!).  That would leave my summer completely open and free. I'm just trusting the Lord. He knows when I will graduate from college and what my summer plans are, what job I'm going to have, and even what words I'm going to right next. He's got it all. He's in control.


I should tell you though, when I saw the schedule conflict, a question almost crossed my lips. Thankful it didn't. What's the question? "What else you got, Lord?" The clip from Bruce Almighty ("Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!) played in my head. However, I do not have the courage to challenge God.  I think of when Job did that and cringe. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell Me, if you understand." Job 38:4
Hmmm, yeahno I don't want that to happen. 
I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that in my own, not direct challenging God way.  Before everything went down or rather up into the air, I knew there were things I was not relinquishing. And I boldly told God, "You are going to have to take these from my hands, because I just can't hand them over." I honestly meant it, too.  It wasn't a "come and get it if you want it". It was an earnest, "I'm having trouble letting this go. I know You want so take it from me." And He has. It hasn't happened like I imagined. Ever. But literally every day that goes by, He takes more. Somethings I didn't even know I hadn't given Him. He's taking it all though. And I praise Him for it. 


I can screw things up before opening my mouth. I think as humans we are experts at messing things up. I have desires, wants, visions, and dreams of how I want things to play out, but it is so far out of my control at the moment, I couldn't make those things happen, no matter what I did.


So here's the lesson I learned.
When you ask for God to break you, to take control of your life, He does. Case in point? me.
Ask it if you dare, but don't think He isn't going to do it.


My name is Katie and I'm a control freak.

Playing it safe

I'm in the process of deciding my summer plans. I've had a few internship offers. I'm excited about each for different reasons. However, there are still issues. I consider myself an idealist. I want the visions, dreams, hopes in my head to come true. And well, life doesn't exactly work like that.
I sat in my car with Alex the other day talking about how I felt like I hadn't done much in college. I hadn't lived it out. How when I thought about college, the life I'm living is not what I had imagined. And the last part, for sure, is true. I didn't think my life would look like what it does. And it frustrates me, a lot sometimes. I know, see, and hear about college experiences, roommate adventures, road trips, mission trips, basically anything you think of and I get really jealous, because I haven't gotten to/ haven't done most of that. I have 10 months before I graduate and most of those things aren't even options anymore, because I have to be "responsible." I don't think there's a word I hate more right now than that one. 
I don't want to get stupid and do ridiculous things. I don't want to go off the deep end. I have no desire to do anything bad. I just want to live. I want to do something crazy. Like spend the summer in Africa or do the World Race or work for a refugee organization. I want to dive into the world and get dirty (in a Biblical sense, thank you very much!).
Will I do those things? I doubt it. I'll probably take the safest route, because that's who I am. I went to the "safest" college and stayed there. I have lived these four years in a bubble. I'll take the most responsible internship. I'll graduate and get a job, probably go to seminary. 
Here's where I am at. In 10 months, I "enter" the real world. However, I entered it a long time ago. It's just that that's what everyone will officially expect of me when I graduate. I feel like my youth is ending. It's not that I don't want to become an adult, I just don't want to be "that" adult. Living a normal, boring expected life. And I feel like that's what I've been living, because that's just who I am. I will be the responsible adult. I will do what's expected and needed. 
What it all boils down to is that I feel like I am a coward. The reason I haven't done most of the things is because I'm scared.
So as I poured my frustrations out to Alex, I said that I felt like a nobody.  He looked at me with the most sincere face, "You aren't a nobody to me."  He went one to talk about my friends and family. And what I have done. And I realized that while I wallow in my self-pity, I'm acting like my life is over and I'm downplaying/ ignoring the blessings of the people and things I have in my life. I have no idea when I'm going to die, but I'm not dead yet. I can't change the past, but I can live in the moment and the future is wide open.
I also realized that the world's idea of responsible and God's idea are worlds apart. And I choose God's. I choose to be a fool for Christ.
So here's to a life full of laughter and joy, some tears, immense faith, a life full of adventure!


Here's to a life worth living.

Prayer you can borrow

As I sit writing this, A Prayer You Can Borrow by Sean McConnell is playing. I love this song. This is where the title came from, but the prayer I'm about to share you don't have to pray. I just wanted to share.

Last night as I walked into myself, I was exhausted, I did not feel well, and I was smiling. I had found some peace. Different than the peace I've been experiencing lately.

Here's how my prayer went, as I got out of my car and walked into the house.
"Lord, I am unworthy of even a shadow of the blessings You have given to me. Time and time again, I forget that You are Most Holy. I forget that your love reaches through this filth I lay in. You pull me out and wash the sin off me when I simply ask for forgiveness and repent. I am so unworthy of all of it. And Lord, I am just grateful that You are my life and breath. Above all else in this world, I want that. But Lord, You have chosen to bless me tenfold in Your grace, mercy, and love. May I remain grateful for these blessings. May I treasure them as the precious gifts that they are. Teach me how to love and care for the people You have put in my life. Teach me how to bring glory to You in all situations. And Lord, may these blessings constantly remind me of  You, not replace You. There is no one like You and I only desire to have my heart beat for You through these blessings. Thank you, thank you for all of it. May I be a good steward with what You've blessed me with."


As I got into bed last night, I grabbed my big purple Bible, if it's ok to have a favorite Bible, this one is mine. It's beat up and well worn. It's the Bible I highlight verses and write revelations in. I wanted to find a verse and I went to Psalm and looked at a few chapters and then random flipped back a few pages and found this verse. Perfect!
"Glorify the Lord with me. Let us exalt His name together."
Psalm 34:3


That's what I want all the relationships to look like in my life. And that is a prayer I'm borrowing from David.

Life goes on

Life goes on. No matter what happens, no matter what walls come crumbling down, no matter how broken our heart feels, no matter what, life goes on. I am willing to say most of you, at some point, have prayed that God would just pause life, give you a break, or begged to crawl in a hole. I feel you. Hurts go deep and our reaction is to run.  
Consider this though. 
Adam and Eve lived in communion with God. God walked among them. They had everything they could ever need and more. And one day, thanks to a sly serpent convincing a weak woman, sin entered the world. In an instant, EVERYTHING changed. The world was turned upside down. The ugly, horrid, vile way of life came to be. The world was perfect. And then it wasn't. I wonder how much the earth wanted to come to a screeching halt. I wonder how the creatures felt. Adam and Eve immediately felt ashamed. Yet, even though the earth would be broken for the rest of its existence, life didn't stop. No pause bottom was pushed. Try as they might Adam and Eve couldn't hide. Life had to go on.
 And then some thousand years later, God sent His Son. He sent Him down to live on earth as a person for 33 years. He walked among us, led a ministry, had family and friends. And then one day, His glory and radical ways became too much and humanity in all its drudgery, sent Him to death. Nailed to the cross. Broken. Humiliated. Innocent, accused, and sentenced. Possessing the ability to free Himself from an excruciating death, yet stayed put. I wonder how much Jesus' human side wanted to hide? How much His human side wanted to pause so the pain would stop? How much His human side wanted to use the God side and be free?
We don't even have the ability to pause or hide or anything like that, yet we wish, pray, hope, beg for this so often.  The world didn't stop them. I bet it wanted to though. I bet the ripple effects of those two cataclysmic events made the universe want to come to a screeching halt.  


But it didn't.


Life goes on. As hard as it is to continue at times, life doesn't stop. And right now, I find comfort in that.  This storm I am in, I have a feeling it isn't over. I have a feeling some things are going to happen that will cause a massive wave to overtake my boat. I have a feeling at times I will feel like a girl, holding onto something floating, while the waves toss me around like a ping pong ball.  But I also think that's just life. And life will go on. At times, my knees may be barely scrapped. At times, I may feel like I'm caught in the middle of a battle, wondering my legs will move again one day because of the wounds.  Somehow, some way, I'll get up. Somehow, some way, we all get up. Somehow, some way, in His own way, God gets us through and one day brings us home. We keep going, moving, living, being. Because life goes on. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay. Life goes on. And so do we.

Revelations

Ever have those moments where revelations come? Or rather revelations have been coming for a while now but you are just now seeing it? Sometimes these revelations are small and sometimes they are life-changing, but generally you only really see them when you open your eyes, when you fall to your knees at the Cross, when you surrender.  We pray for these revelations and changes in your lives.  We pray for courage and strength, forgiveness and joy, truth and answers. Most of the time, those things are right in front of us! We are too blind by our humanness, lack of faith or trust, and weaknesses to see it. And that is one of the MANY beautiful things about Christ.  Romans 5:8 “while we were yet still sinners!” Let the beauty of those words wash over you.  We did not do anything. We did not deserve it. Yet, when we accept this glorious gift, we become restored, worthy, redeemed.  

Through this time I am going through, the Lord is revealing a lot of things.  Some things are good and encouraging.  Some things are lessons I need to learn but are painful to realize or hear.  I want that truth in my life, no matter the pain.  I need that truth.  I long to be a better follower. I long to draw closer to my Lord and Savior. I long desperately for that. Especially now. I am broken, on my knees, crying before the Throne.  I need that so very much. Even when life is blessing me abundantly, I need Him.  I forget that so often. I try so hard to be perfect, to please people.  I am a sinner though. I am not perfect and can never be while I am on this earth and I need to learn that.  There are other things my Father is revealing to me, things too far in my heart, things that I am not ready to reveal on a blog for all to see.  I do cherish this time though. As hard as it is, as much as I hate the pain, as broken as I feel, I cherish these deeply intimate moments with the King. Oh what beautiful times! There is nothing like being vulnerable to the Ultimate and Only Healer. Nothing like coming before the throne and begging for Him to hold your hand through this.  Nothing like asking him to reveal Himself to you. Nothing like using this time to restore you and bring you closer to Him. Nothing like time with the Savior.

When was the last time you had that moment? When was the last time you laid your troubles before Him and left them there? When was the last time you left your sins on the blood stained, cleansing altar? When was the last time you heard Him speak and allowed Him to truly move in your life? Or trusted Him with something that scared you? Or allowed His love to flood you? When?

Oh dear reader, moments with our Lord are unlike any other. They satisfy our deepest desires. They help us through our darkest moments. They forgive us of our sins and allow healing to come to our tattered hearts. How, how do they do all these things? Because He is there.  The Bible says over and over again, if you seek the Lord, you will find Him. Seek Him today. Spend time in His glorious presence.  Spend time in reverence and praise because He is the King of kings. Cast your burdens down before Him. You need not carry them anymore. You are not strong enough. He will carry them for you. Allow Him to reveal those revelations you have been praying for.  Allow Him to love you.

Day 12

What I believe
I believe that Jesus Christ is the one and only way.
I believe He died on the cross for every person, no matter how much he or she sins.
I believe that He can overcome anything we "throw" at Him.
I believe He is the ultimate Healer.
I believe He is the ultimate Romancer.
I believe He deserves all glory and honor.
I believe He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
I believe He is the Savior of the world.
I believe no one is higher than Him.
I believe in love and romance.
I believe that we are created to love and be loved.
I believe we are called to serve anyone and everyone.
I believe life is not easy, but it is wonderful when you walk with the LORD.
I believe all things are possible with Him.
I believe that family and friends are an important aspect of life.
I believe that heartbreaks can make you stronger.
I believe that God will use me and my story for His glory