I should note though, I did learn a lot going this year. God spoke through my family group, the speakers, the worship songs, and my devotions. I'm glad I went. I don't regret it. But it was H-A-R-D! Just like this past month has been.
So there I sat, my head not in worship, lost in my own mind on Monday morning. I had been distracted all morning. From the time I got to community group to then. I hadn't finished my devotions and so I knew I needed to. I went and sat alone (the plus of being in a suite, I could move and sit alone). I pulled out Jesus Calling. January 3rd was about Jesus being our burden-bearer. I needed to hear that. I was still frustrated. Frustrated of the unknown, the hurt, heartache, confusion, anything and everything. Especially myself and why God wasn't coming through.
And then I began to journal. I want to share. I never ever do this but I feel like I should. It was literally this conversation with God, which I've also never written down in my journal.
I'm not including all of it, but most of it. It's long, I wrote 7 pages front and back that morning. The italics are what I think God was saying to me.
"To say that I am distracted would be the understatement of the universe. To say I've somewhat lost control of my mind is a lie. I think I've lost all control. Why is this so hard? What is the purpose? What am I missing? What do I need to be learning?"
What are you doing, my child?
"Trying to worship You! Leaving all else but it isn't working. I am angry at myself. Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand. I really don't. I come to Passion to escape everything in me wants to run away and hide."
Why?
"Because it hurts. I've poured my heart out to you. I feel like my heart is shattered. Broken! Shattered! Don't you feel it Lord? I feel like I have this gaping wound open. I can't fix it. Why couldn't I have just come to Passion and just relish in you love, be spoken to."
I am speaking, maybe you aren't hearing me. I'm not asking you to leave everything behind. I'm asking you to bring everything to me, holding out your arms, surrendering everything. Leaving it with me!!!
Do you remember when you were in high school and you had to wake up every morning and say, "I forgive him?" And then continually throughout the day, you kept saying, "I forgive him."
"Yes. I do."
Well that is what you need to do.Wake up every morning and say, "I trust you, Lord. You are in control." And every time you need to during the day.
"But Lord, that's not answers!!!! I hate hate hate this awkward limbo, the awkwardness, the heartache. I want answers. I want direction. Can I have a clue? Am I blind? Is the answer there and I'm missing it? Lord, where are you in this? I don't understand. I hate this. I don't understand."
You are broken. You have not been crushed. I have a plan for you. Isn't that what you've heard this week? I have a plan. I DO! I'm God and you are not. I have answers and you don't.
"I trust You, Lord. You are in control."
I love you. Don't you see that? This past month, I have held your hand, sat with you as you cried, breathed air in you when you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe. I was your companion when you felt alone. Those people who love you? Me. Those people who have reached out and poured into you? Me! Those moments at Passion that your eyes nearly popped out of your head, heart racing, and all you want to do is hide? Yes, still Me. I love you, Katie. I love you.
What is your favorite verse?
"Isaiah 43:14"
What does it say?
"But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life."
What does it say?
"You love me. You are with me. I trust You, Lord. You are in control."
Every time during worship, during a sermon, during any moment my mind began to drift and it was not of the Lord, I would say "I trust You, Lord. You are in control." It was healing.
I realized that I had not been trusting the Lord with this. I'm scared to. I am. I don't trust that what He has planned is different than what I want or think I want. But here's the thing, my own mind is battling polar opposite arguments, so how do I trust myself in this? I don't even know what the Lord is asking me!
This morning I get up at 6:30 to get ready and have time for my devotions. I sit out in the hall of our hotel and read my Bible study, than I open up Jesus Calling. Guess what the first two sentences are?
I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus," in response to whatever happens to you.
Spiritual.Slap.Across.The.Face!!!! Literally, my head turned a little as if it had and I heard a smacking noise. If it had actually happened, I see it more as tapping me on the face. But mentally, it was a smack. I began to laugh. "Seriously, Lord? You weren't kidding!" I just praised Him. It was so awesome. Glory to God. Praise our Father in heaven.
That right there is the reason I went to Passion. I don't think I would have realized I wasn't trusting God if I hadn't gone. Now, I'm not there, but I'm feeling some peace and I have said that phrase a hundred times today. I'm working on trusting Him. It will be a process. I've decided to memorize verses dealing with trusting the Lord. I'll share them once I find ones. I have more to share about Passion, but I think you've read enough for now.
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