Day 24

Something I've learned.
I've been thinking about what to say about this one for a few days. And I just don't know what to say. Do I want to talk about something I've learned recently, something I've learned that people will understand, what?
I just don't know.
I think that since I've really started blogging recently, I'll do something recent.  If you've been reading this month, it hasn't been any easy month, by any means. It's been a difficult one. Very difficult. Lots of questions, tears, conversations, frustrations, lots and lots of things. So what have I learned? Well, at the moment, I can't remember if I've written about this. I believe I touched on it in Refuge.  I've learned that I sacrifice who I am to make issues easier with other people. I don't stand up or defend myself. I let people walk all over me if they are mad or upset or whatever. And I do this with pretty much anyone.  I have this drive to be perfect. Never making any mistakes, being exactly who that person wants me to be. There's a huge problem in that. Actually, there's a few. One: I'm not myself. Two: I have unrealistic expectations of pleasing people. Three: I'm not allowing people to love me as I am, but who I want them to see. Four: I'm not myself. Yes, I repeated that last one twice.  
Now before you think that I live my life as a complete phony and now no one knows the real me, let's not get dramatic. I am myself most of the time. It's when I know something isn't right, when I've upset someone, or something like that comes along, that I go into this shell. Partly for protection because I'm scared and partly because I think that will make everything easier. It will make everything go away quickly. No, Katie. It doesn't make it easier for you and it doesn't go away quickly for you.   That's what I've learned. I need to learn to be myself in all situations. I need to do this with grace though. I don't need to get mean, spiteful, or anything like that. I just need to feel free to be myself.
I've actually learned a number of things, but this one is a little more figured out than the others. Oh the joys of learning things about yourself!