2010

Originally, I wrote a post about my year. Reviewing it, month by month. However, it was an incredibly vague review. Few names were listed and only glimpses of memories were included.  I loved 2010, I really did.  
For New Year's Eve, I'm choosing to do nothing.  I had an expectation of what it would be like this year and although I've had some time to change that expectation, it hasn't really worked.  I tried to make plans, talked with friends and none of it seemed good enough. Nothing was going to save this night for me, so why try? Yes, I sound pathetic. Don't really care, it's how I feel. So I chose to be alone. No one needed to experience a grouchy New Year's Eve-er.
I have reviewed parts of this year numerous times over this past month. And these past few days, I've reviewed the entire year over and over again.  It was a great year in my eyes. It was a year full of surprises. Wonderful, delightful surprises.  I learned a lot. Love. Relationships. The Lord. Myself. Others. Life. So many things.  
I'm almost tempted to say I'm going to miss this year, but truth is I'll miss memories of this year.  There are memories from this year that I hope never to forget, that I never want to forget.  Memories I hold so dear to my heart. Memories I cherish deeply.  As "Hey, Soul Sister" plays on repeat right now, many of those memories flood my head. It was pretty much my song for this year.  How I loved 2010.
I miss something everyday. And I dream about it every night. 
Now don't get me wrong, 2010 had some ugly parts to it. Things I never saw coming, never wanted to see coming, or never wanted to see.  Parts have been hard, really hard. My heart has been broken a couple of times and I've experienced pain that I had never felt before. I've had to deal with changes and truths that are real whether I like it or not.  
Isn't that a part of growing up though? You experience pain, heartache, joy, love, laughter, happiness, ugliness, and beauty.  Aren't there times when you feel like the biggest mess, you feel like you are still picking up pieces of yourself, while someone else has continued with barely scrapped knees? Looks can be deceiving, but sometimes, glimpses are all we get and what we feel goes far deeper than rationale can reach.
2010 changed my life. Yes, every year that passes changes my life, probably every day, but this year was different. It was beyond expectation. I never saw most of it coming.  This year turned my life upside and inside out.  And I'll love it for that and so much more.  
I have no idea what 2011 will hold, nor do I have a choice but to enter into it. So enter into I will, with little expectation. Knowing that whatever comes, whatever choices I make, whatever happens, the only constant thing will be Jesus. And I pray to cling to Him like He is my only hope, because He is.  I have no idea where to go from here, but I don't have a choice, really. Forward.
I loved 2010. I pray 2011 is even better. Happy New Year to you. May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Day 30

A picture.
I know exactly which one(s) to put up. On Tuesday night, some of my closest girlfriends and best friends came over for a girls' night. Dinner, jewelry making, Despicable Me, and coffee, duh! It was a blast. So we had to have a picture to document it. I am also in my signature pose for pictures with my girlfriends. I love these girls so much.

I love this shot because it is candid. We were laughing because the self-time on the camera took larger than we thought it would. But it is blurry. Boo.

This one is not blurry and still cute. I love these girls sooo very much!

Truthfully, I'm glad this 30 day thing is over. I don't have to do two posts a day if I want to write about my own thoughts. I felt a little weird for that, oh well. I am also really excited that I managed to stick to it for 30 days, without missing a day. Hopefully, you learned something about me or enjoyed reading the things you already new. Have a great day!

Day 29

3 wishes- hmmm this is hard. I don't know. I don't believe in wishing but I can say things I would like to happen. They are more like hopes


1.) I wish that 2011 is filled with as many great and wonderful memories as I think 2010 was. I loved this year, I really did. So many things do I look back on and smile. So many people who changed my life. (I'll save the rest of this for my end of year reflection post)
2.) I wish to be close to those I love and hold dear. I wish that I would put more effort into some relationships and repair others.
3.) I wish for answers to questions I am asking. Questions about the future, life, love, etc. This one is fairly out of my control. I just need to stay faithful to the Lord. My answers will come when I need them.

Music

Isn't is funny how music speaks to us.?  Sometimes it's the words, but generally I feel it's the combination of words and music that cause it to melodiously dance into our ears.  I've been listening to a lot of music lately, mostly because the silence feels so deafening and heart-wrenching.  Some of the music I've been listening to is things that remind me of times prior.  Some of it just speaks to where I am right now. And some is just plain fun to dance/rock out/ whatever to. 
I love music for all the things it can. There's songs that sound angry, sad, happy, mournful,  morbid, etc. You could make a song sound however you like. A lot of it has to do with the beat and the notes used (flat makes songs sound sad, sharp is angry).  I'm not going to get into that though, I could, but that would mean digging up 9 years of learning about music. The digging up part is because I haven't thought about it 6 years.
Anyways, for example on music. Right now, I'm listening to Ben Rector on his album Into the Morning.  When a Heart Breaks, to be specific although that will change in 2:55. I love Ben Rector, first time I heard about him was waiting in line to go to a Dave Barnes concert and my friend Ryan was in line behind me. He's the one who told me about him. Ben was opening for Dave Barnes that night. He sounds amazing live and he's really funny.  I'd definitely go see him again. Listening to him brings back memories of that night and other moments I cherish.


The album I'm currently obsessed with is Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles. It's amazing. I feel like she wrote the album just for me. It speaks to right where I am. Pretty much every song. I also remember how I really got into her music. In the first few days of August, I took a trip to North Carolina with my friends Courtney and Jenn. We heard King of Anything at least times on the drive there. I was in love with it and then earlier this month, I bought the whole album. It was a great decision, you should too, if you like King of Anything.  
See, one of the major reasons I love music is because I have memories around them. Most of my favorite songs/artists/albums, I remember the beginning of loving the music.  Music makes me happy, because it helps me remember.


(I was told I had to stop writing posts that made people cry, so this is my attempt, but I'm only promising this one. If you cried about this one, well, ok?)

Day 28

Something that stresses me out.
Haha, oh boy.


These things almost guaranteed to stress me out.
Chaos
Disorder
Arguments
Being late


These things stress me out occasionally
The future
School


Yeah, I think that just about sums it up.

Life goes on

Life goes on. No matter what happens, no matter what walls come crumbling down, no matter how broken our heart feels, no matter what, life goes on. I am willing to say most of you, at some point, have prayed that God would just pause life, give you a break, or begged to crawl in a hole. I feel you. Hurts go deep and our reaction is to run.  
Consider this though. 
Adam and Eve lived in communion with God. God walked among them. They had everything they could ever need and more. And one day, thanks to a sly serpent convincing a weak woman, sin entered the world. In an instant, EVERYTHING changed. The world was turned upside down. The ugly, horrid, vile way of life came to be. The world was perfect. And then it wasn't. I wonder how much the earth wanted to come to a screeching halt. I wonder how the creatures felt. Adam and Eve immediately felt ashamed. Yet, even though the earth would be broken for the rest of its existence, life didn't stop. No pause bottom was pushed. Try as they might Adam and Eve couldn't hide. Life had to go on.
 And then some thousand years later, God sent His Son. He sent Him down to live on earth as a person for 33 years. He walked among us, led a ministry, had family and friends. And then one day, His glory and radical ways became too much and humanity in all its drudgery, sent Him to death. Nailed to the cross. Broken. Humiliated. Innocent, accused, and sentenced. Possessing the ability to free Himself from an excruciating death, yet stayed put. I wonder how much Jesus' human side wanted to hide? How much His human side wanted to pause so the pain would stop? How much His human side wanted to use the God side and be free?
We don't even have the ability to pause or hide or anything like that, yet we wish, pray, hope, beg for this so often.  The world didn't stop them. I bet it wanted to though. I bet the ripple effects of those two cataclysmic events made the universe want to come to a screeching halt.  


But it didn't.


Life goes on. As hard as it is to continue at times, life doesn't stop. And right now, I find comfort in that.  This storm I am in, I have a feeling it isn't over. I have a feeling some things are going to happen that will cause a massive wave to overtake my boat. I have a feeling at times I will feel like a girl, holding onto something floating, while the waves toss me around like a ping pong ball.  But I also think that's just life. And life will go on. At times, my knees may be barely scrapped. At times, I may feel like I'm caught in the middle of a battle, wondering my legs will move again one day because of the wounds.  Somehow, some way, I'll get up. Somehow, some way, we all get up. Somehow, some way, in His own way, God gets us through and one day brings us home. We keep going, moving, living, being. Because life goes on. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay. Life goes on. And so do we.

Day 27

My Pets
 I have two cocker spaniels. Mellie and Kiki. They are both rescues and I absolutely LOVE them!

This is Mellie.  We got in March of 2004. She was just about the most pathetic thing you ever did see. In February of 2004, we were in Petsmart one day and I heard my mom from another aisle call my name. I walked around and saw this practically hairless, shaking, super skinny dog. It was Mellie (or Amber, as the organization called her).  She has been abandoned by her owner in December with a bag of food. The realtor found her a MONTH, tied up in the backyard. She was so matted and gross that had to shave all her hair off and she weighed  pounds when she's supposed to weigh about 18!  Well, we fell in love and decided to adopt her.  She was very skiddish and scared all the time for a REALLY long time, but over the last two years, she has really come out of her shell. She is so sweet and loving. She loves to have her belly rubbed ad her best trick is turning in a circle, which she does anyways when she gets really excited. She still shakes when she's scared and she is still skiddish, but she is absolutely precious and we love her very much. She is also more of my mom's dog, but we share.

This is Kiki. We got her from the same rescue organization. Her story is nothing like Mellie's. Her owners just didn't want her anymore. I cannot understand but I'm very glad to have this sweet girl. We got her in December of 2008.  There is this great antique store/ flea market near our house that my mom and I love. We walked in one day and there she was. She got all excited and I felt like she chose us.  We petted and played with her for a long time, but decided to think about it over the weekend and then decide since we already had two dogs.  This was Friday. By Saturday night, we couldn't stand it anymore, called and said we wanted her and took her home that Sunday afternoon.  Our family couldn't believe we got another dog, but she belonged to us and became a part of our little family.Her owners' named her MacKenzie. The organization shortened it to Kenzie. We shortened it to Kiki and it fits her. I think she has a little bit of an attitude, not like a bad one, but lots of personality.  She has a docked tail so when she gets excited her whole butt moves.  She loves to play and cuddle. She also looks a little bit like a bear club.  She's my baby. She also doesn't mind having her picture taken.

I said I have two dogs and that is true. This is Joe. He is our dog (can't bring myself to say was, because he will always be ours).  We had to put him down the last week of August, because of cancer. He was around 8 years old. I still miss this sweet dog. He was also a cocker spaniel and we got him from the same organization. He had gone through two owners when we adopted him. One of them tied him up outside and in all the years we had him, there was a place on his neck that no hair would grow. That's how long he was tied up. The other owner kept him in a cage in the basement alone all the time. When the couple got pregnant, out he went. Now there is something very important you need to know about Joe, he is a people dog. All he wanted was to be near you. He LOVED to cuddle and had separation anxiety. So these two owners treated him wrong. I don't understand why you wouldn't want him at your feet all the time. He would sit at the window and "talk" to the lizards. He chased bumblebees and rolled in the grass.  We got Joe in 2006. I found him on a website and fell is love. His name was Slick. I wanted to call him Romeo, but Jojo hit better, and Joe was perfect for him.  I wanted him, because I wanted my own dog. (Mom had stolen Mellie from me!) Well, he was Mom and I's dog. He was really sick the last two weeks and his last 24 hours are seared in my mind. He was completely incontinent during that time so he was to wear a diaper which meant he needed at least two baths a day.  Thursday night, I came home late and Mom and I bathed him and carried his fralile body upstairs to blow-dry him and brush him and I just began to weep. I knew, Mom knew, he knew. That night I slept in my mom's bed with Joe in between us. He snuggled next to me all night. In the morning, we took him to the vet for a last ditch effort to save our precious boy. By the afternoon, they called and said there was no hope. So Mom and I went to vet to be with him. We talked and petted him and loved him while it all happened. I proceeded to ball the entire way home and then for another hour probably on the couch. We were devastated. (P.S. I'm writing this and sobbing). I went to take my dogs out that night and his name was on my lips. But he would never come when I called him again. Nor would he wag his tail when I walked in or come greet me. I still miss that little guy.


Dogs have a way of getting into your heart. You become so attached. They become a part of your family and are always willing to give love and affection,. Their love is pretty unconditional. I love my dogs very much. I came home today from being out of town and spent 10 minutes on the floor petting them. They are wonderful and you can't convince me otherwise.

Day 26

Picture of my family

My mom and I are a little family of our own.

It's from 2008, but this is my big family.

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas to you my dear friend, utter stranger, or someone in between.
May you be reminded why celebrating today is important.
May you be unable to ignore the blessings in your life and thank our Savior.
May you make amends with those you need to.
May you feel the conviction of the Holy Spirit in whatever way you need. 
May you return to Him if you've wandered.
May you walk in His light.
May you look at yourself with honesty and reality.
May you know see areas in your life that need improvement and actually take steps towards it.
May you make an effort to becoming a better follower and in turn become a better person.
May you lay your sins at the cross and allow His freedom to overwhelm you.
May you walk in the Light and not the darkness.
May you remember the reason for the season.
After all, aren't all these things why God sent His son into the world? Why one young girl carried the Savior of the world in her belly for 9 months? Why, even as low as His birth was, angels proclaimed His arrival. Why shepherds left their herds and came to worship Him? Why wise men traveled from afar to give Him precious and expensive gifts?
So that we could be with God, transformed by Him, formed anew in Him, praise Him for all things? Yes, that is what this season is about. It's about the beginning of a man's life which lead to humanity's redemption. It's about new beginnings and remembrance.
Merry Christmas to you my dear friend, utter stranger, or someone in between.

Day 25

Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
1. The Way He was Raised- Josh Turner
2. The Best is Yet to Come- Frank Sinatra
3. When a Heart Breaks- Ben Rector
4. Help Me Remember- Rascal Flatts
5.We Danced- Brad Paisley
6. Go On- Jack Johnson
7. The Time is Now- Phil Wickham
8. Somebody to Love- Justin Bieber
9. Basket Case- Sara Bareilles
10. Wild at Heart- Gloriana


Hm, that's a pretty good list. I really like all those songs. And those artists. Funny how I remember how I first got into those artists. Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

Today was tough. It was a lot tougher than I thought it would be.  Temptations were strong and I did a decent job of keeping busy. I sent a text to a friend for prayer.  
This Christmas season has been a lot tougher than I planned. I started out this month thinking it would be one way, doing certain things, lots of the fun things that people say they are going to do in the Christmas season, but rarely follow through on.  But things changed and plans were then altered. New plans were made. I spent a lot of this month hanging out with my mom, my all-time favorite person.  I spent a lot of time having one on one conversations. Catching up with people.  Rekindling some friendships. It wasn't a miserable month, but it was definitely unexpected. And it was tough.  
Isn't that how tough times go? Rarely do you see them coming and even if you do, they are a lot harder than you thought. At least that's true for me.
And today was just one of those day where the storm I'm standing is was a little stronger. Life was crazy this week and I had very little real down time or normalcy, so guess what got put on the back burner? My time with Jesus. It felt the ramifications of that today. After baking (chocolate cheesecake, macaroons, fudge, and other things), I had some down time and decided to excuse myself from the family and spend time with the Lord.  I loved reading what my devotional by Beth Moore had and Jesus Calling.  Beth was talking about Barnabas and how encouraging he was. I couldn't help but be reminded of how blessed I've been with friends, especially this month, who have been my encouragement this month. If you are one of those people reading this, I love you and thank you for your love.  I am blessed by you. Jesus calling was about the Hope of Glory, Jesus. I was reminded that in this storm, I will win no matter the outcome. No matter the ramifications. No matter the loss. No matter the changes that are happening. No matter that changes I need to make. I win. I win because the Holy Spirit dwells in me and reigns in this broken, miserable heart of mine. Oh Father, I celebrate the birth of your son. I celebrate your arrival Jesus. I celebrate You. Thank you for being my hope. Thank you that my eyes were opened some 12 years ago to Your glory.  No matter what comes, You are here with me God.
Today was tough. I survived. I survived in the arms of my Savior. Just like I will tomorrow and every other day the Lord grants me to live. 
Today was tough and I'll live.
Merry Christmas to whoever reads this.
Be blessed my friend. Survive in the arms of the Savior.

Day 24

Something I've learned.
I've been thinking about what to say about this one for a few days. And I just don't know what to say. Do I want to talk about something I've learned recently, something I've learned that people will understand, what?
I just don't know.
I think that since I've really started blogging recently, I'll do something recent.  If you've been reading this month, it hasn't been any easy month, by any means. It's been a difficult one. Very difficult. Lots of questions, tears, conversations, frustrations, lots and lots of things. So what have I learned? Well, at the moment, I can't remember if I've written about this. I believe I touched on it in Refuge.  I've learned that I sacrifice who I am to make issues easier with other people. I don't stand up or defend myself. I let people walk all over me if they are mad or upset or whatever. And I do this with pretty much anyone.  I have this drive to be perfect. Never making any mistakes, being exactly who that person wants me to be. There's a huge problem in that. Actually, there's a few. One: I'm not myself. Two: I have unrealistic expectations of pleasing people. Three: I'm not allowing people to love me as I am, but who I want them to see. Four: I'm not myself. Yes, I repeated that last one twice.  
Now before you think that I live my life as a complete phony and now no one knows the real me, let's not get dramatic. I am myself most of the time. It's when I know something isn't right, when I've upset someone, or something like that comes along, that I go into this shell. Partly for protection because I'm scared and partly because I think that will make everything easier. It will make everything go away quickly. No, Katie. It doesn't make it easier for you and it doesn't go away quickly for you.   That's what I've learned. I need to learn to be myself in all situations. I need to do this with grace though. I don't need to get mean, spiteful, or anything like that. I just need to feel free to be myself.
I've actually learned a number of things, but this one is a little more figured out than the others. Oh the joys of learning things about yourself!

Granny

At about 10:30AM on December 23, 2001, my beloved Granny passed away.  She lost her battle to cancer.
Here is a copy of her obituary with, of course, our last names blacked out. (It's not super nice so you will have to excuse that part.)

I was 13 years old when she passed away. I had gone to see her multiple times during her last 3 months. My mom pretty much lived in Tampa those last 3 months as well.  By the time the doctors diagnosed (or admitted she had cancer, we are all convinced it was malpractice), it was too late. She had cancer of the bone marrow and it was in stage 4. No one comes back from that. Basically, these tumors ate her marrow so her bones started to disintegrate in the end. You could also see the tumors on her. It is a horrible way to die, as is all cancer.  She was graceful even in death though.  Her last three days, she hallucinated a lot, but in her "sane" moments, she could still quote countless Bible verses.


She was a remarkable woman. Ask anyone who met her. She never met a stranger and loved you no matter your history, sins, or mistakes.  She brought "strays" home for dinner all the time. She was all about family and they meant the world to her.  She was fiercely protective of them. She was something to be feared if you messed with her family or were disobedient.  When I say that, she didn't beat any of us or anything terrible, but you just knew not to disobey Granny. And if you messed with her family, she'd give you a tongue lashing that would take you two days to figure out she had reprimanded you because she did it so well.  Although she loved to watch old movies, she was much more about keeping the kids active. She took us to the thrift store, the beach, the park, anywhere that would allow us to be free to be kids.  She would sit outside and watch us play.  She would cook us delicious meals and her pantry was always packed with our individual favorite goodies.  The grandkids thought they were so cool because we got "midnight" snacks. Looking back, it was probably like 9PM, but we had no clue.  She was the grandmother and mother everyone dreams of having and every woman dreams of being. She loved with everything she had. Her life showed Christ in so many ways. She was deeply in love with her King and no one could doubt it. Her life and legacy shout what Jesus meant and who Jesus was in her life. She is the reason I became a Christian. Her heart for Him is what started it all for Jesus coming into this family.


I can still see all of us sitting at the table, munching on whatever we wanted. I can still remember bursting through her front door upon arriving from Atlanta and getting a huge hug and kiss from her. I can still feel the softness of her wrinkled hands and the smell of her lotion.  I can still remember sitting on her couch watching TV with her and Georgia Bell, her black and white kitty. I remember when I had a fever of 104.1 and she took me to the emergency room and took care of me. I remember falling out of the tree in her front yard and breaking my wrist. I was all scraped up and scared and her calmness and mastery of the situation was my strength. She ordered my cousins to help me out and took care of me again. I remember getting off the bus and her waiting for me everyday when she was visiting.  I remember the sound of her voice, with that sweet southern accent.  I remember so much of this woman and yet so little. I could hear stories of her life over and over again.  She lived such a fascinating and full life.  


Because of when she died, Christmastime reminds me of her. She died two days before Christmas and her funeral was the day after. It was a very hard Christmas that year.  It was the first Christmas I ever spent away from home. The whole family gathered in the Tampa area. This is the second Christmas I am spending away from home. This time it is for Popi, Granny's husband, no he hasn't passed away, but he is 85 and the years are catching up to him.  He asked that his family come together for Christmas this year and so most of us have gathered. It will be a Christmas to remember that is for sure. Christmastime in this family is bittersweet. However, this Christmas, although my momma can't spend it with hers, I sure am glad I get to spend Christmas with my momma.


Before I was born, Granny wrote me a card welcoming me into the world, letting me know how blessed and loved I would be. I found this card a few years ago after she had passed away. That card has rang true in my life for the past 22 years. Not only do I still feel my Granny's love and blessing in my life, but her legacy has impacted others who love and bless my life.


We all miss you, Granny, especially today. You, however, are celebrating Jesus' birth, heaven style, which I can only imagine, is one of the coolest things ever. 

Day 23

Favorite Vacation
I had to think for a while about this one.
I'd have to say that one of my favorite vacations was right after my girlfriends and I graduated high school and took a beach trip.  We also took our 3 church leaders that we had had over the years.  No joke, for four years we talked about this trip, looking forward to the day. We spent about a week at my friend Kathryn's beach house. We had the best time. We cooked and stayed up super late, laughing and talking. We hung out on the beach, read books, watched movies, etc. It was so much fun. I hold that memory very dear to my heart and think it would be awesome (hint hint) if we tried another for this summer since we are all graduating sometime this year.

The girls plus Jenny!

We had a little reunion last night with everyone in this picture except for Lacy. It was so great to have the "gang" back together again. I am blessed with such loving, fun, funny, crazy friends! Love you guys!

Day 22

My favorite city.
Hmmm. That's a hard one. I'm only going to pick one today.
I haven't done much traveling lately so I've been home a lot.  And right now, I really don't want to be anywhere else. I am a homebody who loves to travel most of the time. At this moment, all I want to do is be at home.
Soooooo, my favorite city is Atlanta.
I love it for the people I know who call this place home.
I love it for the memories it holds.
I love it for familiarity of it all.
I love it because it is where I am right now.
And when I say Atlanta, the big city is included, but I'm talking about the greater Atlanta area as well.  However, I will love downtown Atlanta for a few days while I'm at Passion!!!!! Pretty pumped about that.

Photo Courtesy of Austin Smith

Traveling a different way

On Sunday, I went to my sister's church.  The pastor that spoke was OK. He didn't blow me out of the water and his style wasn't for me, but he said something that really has had me thinking over the last few days.  The sermon was on the wise men who gave the three gifts to Jesus. And here was something I've never thought about before.  The wise men, after meeting Jesus, had to go a different way. Let me say that again, they had to go different way.  (Duh, Katie, I know that. Read the story a thousand times.) Yes, but if you look at it not literally, but metaphorically, after encountering Jesus, their journey changed. They could not return the way they came.  Isn't that so true?  After we invite Jesus to come into our hearts, forgive our sins, and become our Lord, we are never the same. We are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17). I never thought of the wise men's return journey like that. How extraordinary is that?  Maybe God wrote that part for that point. When we encounter Jesus, when we present our lives and give gifts and sacrifices to Him, we are forever changed.
 And it began to make me think.  After meeting Jesus and seeing the change in your life, why would you want to go back to that sorry person you once were? Why would you walk down that road that is painful and ugly? Unwholesome and unfulfilling? Empty and meaningless?  When we are truly walking with the Lord, we don't want to hold onto past sins, habits, and other things from our life.  But what we generally do is keep one foot in the old life and one in the new. We explore that glory and wonder that God can provide, while still holding onto the familiar things of our past life.  And those familiar things can be detrimental to our lives.  I am guilty of this for sure. I've been a Christian for 12 years and although I can't say for sure I hold onto the sins I had before I became a Christian since it was so long ago and I was so young, I do hold onto things of this world.  I hold onto things I shouldn't.  Because at times, I'm scared of what will happen if I let go. Because I'm scared of the judgment I will face if I admit my failings. Because I'm scared that turning those things over and walking away will be harder than holding onto them. And the truth is, it will be harder. It has been harder.  Walking away from those things is not easy. It isn't fun. But let me tell you, IT IS WORTH IT! Walking away from a sin you have held onto for years, finally giving it truly over to the Lord and leaving it there, walking tall in the forgiveness of the Lord because the weight of sin is now nailed to the cross rather than breaking you. It is worth it.  Admitting you have a problem or admitting a specific thing you need to work on in your life and actually working on it. It is worth it.  Asking for forgiveness and giving sincere apologizes, admitting you are wrong, making amends. It is worth it.  Maybe it isn't a sin or amends needing to happen, maybe it is a way of thinking. Right now, that's what I am realizing for me. It is something in the way I think. And I know I have to change it. It is worth it.  Do it! Just do it! Be a wise man (or woman). Take a journey to the Savior and don't come back the same. It is a journey I have started to make and one I hope to see through. I have made this journey a few times and I know I will make it again, because I am human and I am a sinner.  But I know the way to freedom, to better life, to a closer life with my Father. And if you follow Him, you do too.  If there is something in your life, that is not matching with the Lord's holiness, give it up. What's the worst that could happen? The wise men could have been killed! But asking about the worst thing isn't the right question. Maybe look at it like this. What is the best thing that could happen? You encounter Jesus and never come back the same.  The chance of that success is worth the risk.  You will lose something, but chances are you will gain everything.  It is worth it.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him"
James 1:12

Another pep talk for myself.

Day 21

Picture of yourself.

Day 20

Nicknames.
Let me start off by saying, I love nicknames.
If we want to get technical, my first name is Kathryn and therefore, Katie is a nickname.
My sister, since before I was born, has called me Peanut.
My brother, Jay, and my brother-in-law, Kevin, call me Kid or Kiddo.
My mom and her two best friends (Momma Chris and Daddy Bruce) call me the Princess.
My niece Catie calls me Autie (It's a mix of Aunt and Katie).
For a long time and ever so often now, Kacie and Kelli call me Aunt Sister, because they really want me as a big sister.
That's all the nicknames I am currently still called. 

Day 19

Something you miss.
Oh boy. That's a loaded sentence.
I miss a few things.
I miss a person.
I miss people who live far away or at least not nearby.
I miss warm weather.
I miss when Florida could play football.
I miss lots of things. Things that are not as superficial as the things I just listed. Things, times, or people that just don't need to be admitted on a blog. 
However, I know this is the place I need to be and I'll take the missing part, for now.

Emptiness

Last night, I was at my house, alone.  It was really quiet. No music was playing. The television wasn't on. My dogs were really quiet.  And I just felt really really alone. I hate those moments, especially now.  A flood of emotions hit me. Thoughts overwhelm my head. And as of recent, I cry. Last night was no different.  
So there I am, sitting in a recliner, crying, when my dog Kiki (my brown cocker spaniel) walks in.  She doesn't look at me, but sits right in front of me and looks around the room. She does this for about a minute and then leaps on to the chair and curls up next to me. 
As I stop crying, I have that crying, breathing thing going on. It's like a whimper. I hope you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I hear Kiki breathing and she is breathing exactly as I am and the more I breath normally, so does she. It was very strange. She, then, turns her head and places it on my shoulder and takes a deep breath, goes back to her original position and falls asleep. I promise you I'm not lying.  Kiki has no idea what is going on. She doesn't know why I'm hurting or anything, but several times these past few weeks, I felt like she knew I wasn't ok.  She's started sleeping in my bed at night.  It might be crazy and I could be wrong. She could just be wanting attention, but I'm choosing to believe that's not it.  
I believe she knows that I do not want or need to feel alone.  I also believe this is one of God's ways to hold my hand through this.  He can't come and appear and sit on the couch with me, in the flesh. But Kiki can.  And I felt oddly comforted.
I still needed more though, so I grabbed my Bible, journal, and this book I'm going through by Beth Moore about Paul. As I sit down, I see my copy of Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) and open it to the day (Dec. 17). And here's what it said.

"Come to me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in Me you are complete." 

I'd quote the whole day, but this line was the most important. It was also the first line.  Pretty cool, huh?  I love this. And I love Jesus.

Day 18

Some I regret.
For the longest time, I have not allowed myself to regret things.  And I'm still not.  I believe that even when I make mistakes, experience pain, cause pain, or whatever, I grow from those, most of the time.  I don't like to make mistakes, experience pain, cause pain, or whatever but I don't regret those hard moments.  There are things that I would have liked to have done like stay in better contact with the people I love.  We could count that a regret.  Even with everything I am experiencing, I still don't regret anything. 

Day 17

Something I look forward to.


I look forward to the end of this process I am going through. To understand and know more than I know now.  To have answers and peace, no more pain and healed from this hurt.


I look forward to getting married. I look forward to walking down the aisle to the man of my dreams and saying "I do." In fact, I had a dream about getting married last night and I hope my real wedding isn't anything like it because it was circus-like and highly disorganized.


I look forward to having kids and raising them. I look forward to the experiences that are coming with all that.  I look forward to watching them grow up under my husband and mine's care.


And most of all, I look forward to seeing my Savior's face at the end of this life. No matter how soon or far away that is. I look forward to Him continuing to mold me into who I need to be for Him.  I look forward to watching people's lives change through and people coming to accept Him as Savior.

Oh Christmas Tree

I have an earnest love of Christmas trees.  I really do. I love all of them but my favorites are the ones with ornaments that hold meaning to that family. One filled with color and not color coordinated. One with a mixture of colored and white lights, but the colored lights stand out more. One covered is sparkly tinsel. One that is decorated with laughter and joy.  That’s what our Christmas trees are at my house.  We have two this year when we generally only have one. We aren’t even going to be at my house on Christmas which makes me so sad. The last possible day to enjoy the trees during the Christmas season and I will be somewhere that is not home.  

During the Christmas season, I love to turn off the lights in the house and turn on the Christmas decorations and the trees, especially the trees and just admire them.  The variation of lights, different ornaments, and the glittering icicles warm me up inside.  Throw in a fire and good company and I am a content girl.  But I love to sit and stare alone mostly.  I sit with the light of the tree, falling lightly around me, bible and journal in hand, and spend time with the Precious One who is the reason there is a Christmas season.  It is such sweet time.  It is also where I write the blog posts that are not about the 30 day list.  The posts where I pour (or type) out my heart and share.  Last night was one of those nights. I had the house to myself and it was so quiet.  Icy weather was knocking at the door so I had no choice but to stay home.  Television just wasn’t cutting it. I was restless and knew exactly what I needed to settle down. Time with my Savior and to get out the emotions I was feeling.  Ever faithful, I asked if God would come hold my hand. I knew that what I was feeling was not going anywhere. I know that it won’t for a while.  So what did He do? As I sat on the couch, writing in my journal and talking to Him out loud (I’m not crazy), He came and held my hand.  Not is a physical, Jesus came and sat on the couch with me last night way, but in a way I could not deny. Everything was welling up in me, pain seeping into my heart and He just let me release it all. It was beautiful. I love to be romanced and pursued by my Savior. He dotes on me like no one else can. He is my strong tower, ready for my burdens. He is just what I need all the time.  And He gave me Christmas trees.

This Christmas tree is not mine by the way, but I haven't taken any pictures of ours yet. 

Day 16

Dream house.


I definitely have a dream house in my head. It has a big kitchen that I have lots of room to cook in. A big family room for my family and I to play in. A basement or something like that as a "hang out". A beautiful yard on a nice piece of land.  A house not completely in the country but one that has a calmness to it with a Publix nearby (it's my favorite grocery store, any place that doesn't have one is a sad place!).  


However as nice and wonderful as that sounds and how great it would be to have that, I really want a house that is home.  A safe refuge for my husband and family. A home filled with memories of laughter and love.  One that my kids look back at and smile after they've grown. One where my husband feels pride in, coming home to his family and house.  A place where people feel welcome to come.  A home filled with love, family, and friends.

Revelations

Ever have those moments where revelations come? Or rather revelations have been coming for a while now but you are just now seeing it? Sometimes these revelations are small and sometimes they are life-changing, but generally you only really see them when you open your eyes, when you fall to your knees at the Cross, when you surrender.  We pray for these revelations and changes in your lives.  We pray for courage and strength, forgiveness and joy, truth and answers. Most of the time, those things are right in front of us! We are too blind by our humanness, lack of faith or trust, and weaknesses to see it. And that is one of the MANY beautiful things about Christ.  Romans 5:8 “while we were yet still sinners!” Let the beauty of those words wash over you.  We did not do anything. We did not deserve it. Yet, when we accept this glorious gift, we become restored, worthy, redeemed.  

Through this time I am going through, the Lord is revealing a lot of things.  Some things are good and encouraging.  Some things are lessons I need to learn but are painful to realize or hear.  I want that truth in my life, no matter the pain.  I need that truth.  I long to be a better follower. I long to draw closer to my Lord and Savior. I long desperately for that. Especially now. I am broken, on my knees, crying before the Throne.  I need that so very much. Even when life is blessing me abundantly, I need Him.  I forget that so often. I try so hard to be perfect, to please people.  I am a sinner though. I am not perfect and can never be while I am on this earth and I need to learn that.  There are other things my Father is revealing to me, things too far in my heart, things that I am not ready to reveal on a blog for all to see.  I do cherish this time though. As hard as it is, as much as I hate the pain, as broken as I feel, I cherish these deeply intimate moments with the King. Oh what beautiful times! There is nothing like being vulnerable to the Ultimate and Only Healer. Nothing like coming before the throne and begging for Him to hold your hand through this.  Nothing like asking him to reveal Himself to you. Nothing like using this time to restore you and bring you closer to Him. Nothing like time with the Savior.

When was the last time you had that moment? When was the last time you laid your troubles before Him and left them there? When was the last time you left your sins on the blood stained, cleansing altar? When was the last time you heard Him speak and allowed Him to truly move in your life? Or trusted Him with something that scared you? Or allowed His love to flood you? When?

Oh dear reader, moments with our Lord are unlike any other. They satisfy our deepest desires. They help us through our darkest moments. They forgive us of our sins and allow healing to come to our tattered hearts. How, how do they do all these things? Because He is there.  The Bible says over and over again, if you seek the Lord, you will find Him. Seek Him today. Spend time in His glorious presence.  Spend time in reverence and praise because He is the King of kings. Cast your burdens down before Him. You need not carry them anymore. You are not strong enough. He will carry them for you. Allow Him to reveal those revelations you have been praying for.  Allow Him to love you.

Day 15

Bible Verses
Prepare yourself there's a lot of them (12, but can you EVER have enough Bible verses? (The answer is no.)).


"But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life."
--Isaiah 43:1-4


"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."
--Galatians 2:10


“Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
--Romans 12:9-10


“You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being.”
--Revelation 4:11


For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins."
--2 Peter 1:5-9




"Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy that person; for God’s temple is sacred, and you together are that temple."
--1 Corinthians 3:16-17




"You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love."
--Galatians 5:13


A kindhearted woman gains honor,
but ruthless men gain only wealth."
--Proverbs 11:16


Do we not all have one Father? Did not one God create us?"
--Malachi 2:10




"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
-- Romans 5:3-5




"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
--Hebrews 10:23-25




"Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen."
--Hebrews 13:20-21

Refuge

Writing is my refuge.  I don't know what it is about it.  It doesn't have to be handwritten and it doesn't have to be typed.  It just needs to be written down.  Writing is the place I feel safe.  Although people can critique my work and edit it, comment on it, and encourage it, it has yet to be overtaken by people. I can whatever I want, whatever I need to. I can say things with all the courage in the world. I can be brutally honest and overwhelmingly heartbroken without judgement or reprimand. Because it is between the Lord and I. No one else sees these kinds of writings. No one needs to. It's my full expression of myself without fear, without judging, without people to interrupt me or discount what I say or feel. No one sees that writing. However, expressing myself, much more mildly on my blog, in letters, or what have you is also healing to me.  
When I write, outside voices, good and bad, encouraging and frustrating, hurtful and full of love, do not speak so loudly in my head. I can sit and hear what my heart is telling me. See, I need this safe place.  I think everyone needs a refuge. But I need writing because people's words so profoundly effect me.  You know that saying "Sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt me"? Yeah, that's not even close to the truth for me. I long to help people, to encourage them, love them as they become who God intended them to be, to watch all that God wants them to be. And I don't know if I measure up to that longing often.  When I disappoint, frustrate, wound, hurt, whatever negative, I would do practically anything to make it right.  I will apologize, say I'm in the wrong, give gifts, give up things, just to try and make it right.  I will even do those things, when I haven't done anything wrong or something minute, but I so desperately want to make it right. 
Here's an example.
When I was a little girl, my dad took me to McDonald's for a kid's meal. I sat in my booster seat in the middle of the backseat.  I was happily munching my food,  humming as I ate. I had just put the very last fry in my mouth, when my dad asks if he can have one. Frantically, I search the cartoony yellow and red bag just in case one has been missed. No luck.  And I tell him, "I just ate the last one. I'm so sorry, Daddy."  "No big deal, it's ok." Well, it was a huge deal to me. I was so disappointed in myself. I felt terrible that I had been so selfish not to offer any. If I had slowed down, he could have had one.  I would have given anything to give him, not just one, but a full bad of fries at that moment. And I began to cry, the weight of not being able to give my Dad what he wanted overwhelming me.
Do you get the picture?
This memory is at least 15 years old, but it is seared in my memory.  It still haunts me to this day. I would still give anything to have not eaten that last fry.  It's ridiculous, ONE fry! Stupid. Dumb. And he didn't even say he was disappointed but there it is. In my head. So are memories of a lot of conversations I've had with a number of people in my life, where I haven't measured up to their expectations, where I've disappointed them, hurt them, or they feel like I have.  I would do anything to make it better, to make it go away, to take away the pain they are experiencing. I would take it all on myself. But I can't.  I can't fix everyone's hurt feelings, I can't make everything right. I'm human. I cannot be all things. I cannot be everything. I am not perfect. I get mad. I get hurt. I do stupid things. I do mean things. I'm human. There is only so much I can do.  So much I can fix before I just have to give up and wait. Wait as time ticks to see if mending and recovery is possible. Wait to see if things really are getting better. Wait to see if bump in the road or a bridge collapse.  Wait for grace to come. 
And this is where writing comes in for me.  I immerse myself in writing and the load lightens.  It takes some of the pressure off and I can breath.  And it even makes me feel better when I'm finished writing. It's how I know I was having a rough day when I look back at my journals. If I've covered 2 pages back and front (depending on the content), I'm releasing those emotions, expressing them in the only way I know how.  I do not feel judgement when I am writing. I do not feel like a failure. Or a sad excuse of a person. I don't feel any of that. I just feel like me. An imperfect person, who messes up and makes mistakes, but someone who enjoys life and love and family. Someone who is worthy of her Savior's time because she has been redeemed. Worthy of feeling special. Worthy of feeling like she's enough. Worthy of grace. Just like you long for grace when you have made a mistake or make amends for doing wrong, I want that too.
Sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't. The best I can do is try and then give it over to the Lord. And while I wait, I write.  Because sometimes speaking just doesn't cut it. Because I feel freedom in it and I feel safe there.
Writing is my refuge because it is where I reveal my heart. I reveal my heart to the Lord and myself. I find myself when I write.

Day 14

A picture I love.
I can't choose just one! So here are my...12...picks.