Control

Confession: I am a control freak.


I wrote that post the other day about trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him.  And as more of my life is being thrown into the grey area with a giant question mark, it is getting easier, because the more things that happen, the more they are out of my control.  


I am the kind of control freak who plans. I like a target to aim at, generally I like a way to get there or I decide on my own. I'm stubborn (the older I get, the more I see that everyday). At times, I'm even inflexible or it sure looks like that.  It's one of those ugly warts I have. We all have them and this is one of mine.  I want to know what I'm doing, when, how, where, etc. The "why" isn't always important. I have become more and more aware of this side of me over the past year and I'm actually very grateful that it's been pointed out to me by people and even more by the Lord.


I had even more control taken from me yesterday. And honestly, I laughed at it. It did stress me out, but I laughed.  This slap in the face came from school, we have a love/hate relationship.  Of the 7 classes I need to graduate, only 2 of them I have to take, the others are of my choosing, to a certain extent. Well these 2 classes are offered only once in the fall and at the same time....which means if this isn't changed, my already-in-question-December-graduation will disappear and I will graduate in May of 2012. How this all plays out is completely out of my control. I called the person in charge of all this and left a voicemail asking what to do. Not only will my graduation date change, but my summer plans will too. I won't do a school-sanctioned internship so that I can be full-time for the fall and spring (Pretty fond of the whole health insurance thing!).  That would leave my summer completely open and free. I'm just trusting the Lord. He knows when I will graduate from college and what my summer plans are, what job I'm going to have, and even what words I'm going to right next. He's got it all. He's in control.


I should tell you though, when I saw the schedule conflict, a question almost crossed my lips. Thankful it didn't. What's the question? "What else you got, Lord?" The clip from Bruce Almighty ("Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!) played in my head. However, I do not have the courage to challenge God.  I think of when Job did that and cringe. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell Me, if you understand." Job 38:4
Hmmm, yeahno I don't want that to happen. 
I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that in my own, not direct challenging God way.  Before everything went down or rather up into the air, I knew there were things I was not relinquishing. And I boldly told God, "You are going to have to take these from my hands, because I just can't hand them over." I honestly meant it, too.  It wasn't a "come and get it if you want it". It was an earnest, "I'm having trouble letting this go. I know You want so take it from me." And He has. It hasn't happened like I imagined. Ever. But literally every day that goes by, He takes more. Somethings I didn't even know I hadn't given Him. He's taking it all though. And I praise Him for it. 


I can screw things up before opening my mouth. I think as humans we are experts at messing things up. I have desires, wants, visions, and dreams of how I want things to play out, but it is so far out of my control at the moment, I couldn't make those things happen, no matter what I did.


So here's the lesson I learned.
When you ask for God to break you, to take control of your life, He does. Case in point? me.
Ask it if you dare, but don't think He isn't going to do it.


My name is Katie and I'm a control freak.

Comfort

Play this while reading, please.


Today as I walked into my room to go to bed, I found this.

My Bible resting on my pillow and a box of tissues. Probably two of the most essential things in my life right now.  I couldn't help but smile.  You see, as I made my way upstairs, I was thinking about how so many earthly comforts are being taken away from me. 
(And I'm not talking about possessions, although my house will be going up for sale in the next fews weeks. It's the "home" factor I'm losing with it, not the actual house. And there's a whole lot of relational changes going on, as well as life and future changes. Really, everything's just been tossed into the air this last month. Maybe not everything, but a lot of things.)
Anyway, my Bible hadn't magically been left there, I had put it there this morning in search for a verse that I had on my heart. And happened (Jesus) to leave it open.
As I stared at this precious book, two verses that had been playing in my head came to mind.
Isaiah 40:1

And then 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Not only are these verses what I need to claim but I love the headings that go before each. "Comfort for God's People" and "The God of All Comfort"
I don't know why some things are happening and why they are happening the way they are. Some things I don't understand. I have wants and desires about everything, but I don't believe God is focusing on that. I don't believe they are being ignored, nor are they completely inconsequential, I just think God's trying to get me past the biggest hump, before anything else.
Let me paint a visual picture of what I'm feeling about my life right now.  Imagine you are standing over your kitchen sink, you are rinsing off vegetables in a colander. You shake off the excess water and turn to put them in a bowl, just as you turn, your feet get tangled up and you begin to fall, arms going up. Freeze, see it? Do you see all those vegetables coming out of the colander and about to scatter everywhere? That's how I see my life.
So that's kind of how I feel. I know a huge thing that the Lord is teaching me is to rely on Him above all else, above comfort, above people, above plans, above everything. HE is my comfort. HE is my everything. I just need to cling to Him and His Word. He is not going to abandon me or leave me out to dry. There is purpose for this, I'm already seeing that. (I may not always remember that.) To trust Him.
Huh, that's funny, basically the theme in my life for 2011. (See trust Me from January 4th).


The song that you've been listening to is one that I have played over and over again, because it's where I am.


"And I find myself here on my knees again." (Yep, that's where I am.)


Working on trusting the Lord and finding my comfort in Him during all this.


"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

For sale

Today I begin the process of making my home a house so someone else will want to call it home. Today I start to say goodbye.

One week

One week from now, I will be packing for the Atlanta Mission Trip. I am beyond excited about this trip.  Ever since Passion, I have felt a strong calling and desire to go serve my city.  I have really grown to love it since being in college. From working down there, playing down there, and serving down there, this city has captured my heart.  I also am very close to some people that love this city a whole lot too.
It's my home. It really is. I get excited when I see it as my plane lands, my car heads towards it, or as I ride good ol' MARTA.  I think it is beautiful.
So I am excited about this week. I get to serve with some people who just blow my mind. I get to follow behind leaders who are a blessing.  I get to build friendships with my team and better the ones that already exist.  I get to serve the people of Atlanta. And above all else, I get to serve the GOD of this city. And that song keeps playing in my head. I have yet to sing it without tears burning my eyes. 
This week, I have decided to change things up. The team went a retreat this weekend. It was amazing. I loved every minute of it. We were challenged to fast from things that distracted us. I knew immediately the things that I needed to fast from. One of them being TV, if there is nothing else to do, I watch it. However, I want to use this time to be productive, to spend more time with the Lord, studying the Word, and serving Him.  
Also as I was driving home from my sister's house this evening, I was thinking about my devotions. I decided that every day this week, I would spend time somewhere else. Today was at my house. I want to write about each one so that's all I'm giving away for now, expect I'm pretty excited about tomorrow. One thing for sure, I will be spending time with the Lord in Atlanta this week, I might even make a whole day of it, we'll see. 
It's just me and Jesus this week. I'm hoping to look to Him for everything this week. To find total joy, total healing, wisdom, peace, everything He so wonderfully blesses His followers with. 

Playing it safe

I'm in the process of deciding my summer plans. I've had a few internship offers. I'm excited about each for different reasons. However, there are still issues. I consider myself an idealist. I want the visions, dreams, hopes in my head to come true. And well, life doesn't exactly work like that.
I sat in my car with Alex the other day talking about how I felt like I hadn't done much in college. I hadn't lived it out. How when I thought about college, the life I'm living is not what I had imagined. And the last part, for sure, is true. I didn't think my life would look like what it does. And it frustrates me, a lot sometimes. I know, see, and hear about college experiences, roommate adventures, road trips, mission trips, basically anything you think of and I get really jealous, because I haven't gotten to/ haven't done most of that. I have 10 months before I graduate and most of those things aren't even options anymore, because I have to be "responsible." I don't think there's a word I hate more right now than that one. 
I don't want to get stupid and do ridiculous things. I don't want to go off the deep end. I have no desire to do anything bad. I just want to live. I want to do something crazy. Like spend the summer in Africa or do the World Race or work for a refugee organization. I want to dive into the world and get dirty (in a Biblical sense, thank you very much!).
Will I do those things? I doubt it. I'll probably take the safest route, because that's who I am. I went to the "safest" college and stayed there. I have lived these four years in a bubble. I'll take the most responsible internship. I'll graduate and get a job, probably go to seminary. 
Here's where I am at. In 10 months, I "enter" the real world. However, I entered it a long time ago. It's just that that's what everyone will officially expect of me when I graduate. I feel like my youth is ending. It's not that I don't want to become an adult, I just don't want to be "that" adult. Living a normal, boring expected life. And I feel like that's what I've been living, because that's just who I am. I will be the responsible adult. I will do what's expected and needed. 
What it all boils down to is that I feel like I am a coward. The reason I haven't done most of the things is because I'm scared.
So as I poured my frustrations out to Alex, I said that I felt like a nobody.  He looked at me with the most sincere face, "You aren't a nobody to me."  He went one to talk about my friends and family. And what I have done. And I realized that while I wallow in my self-pity, I'm acting like my life is over and I'm downplaying/ ignoring the blessings of the people and things I have in my life. I have no idea when I'm going to die, but I'm not dead yet. I can't change the past, but I can live in the moment and the future is wide open.
I also realized that the world's idea of responsible and God's idea are worlds apart. And I choose God's. I choose to be a fool for Christ.
So here's to a life full of laughter and joy, some tears, immense faith, a life full of adventure!


Here's to a life worth living.

Emails from Africa

Part of this post has been written for a few days, but I had no idea what to do with it and what else to say until today! When I read an article.
Yesterday I was reading over a number of old emails. I came across the emails my boyfriend and I wrote to each other while I was in Africa in September. As much as I love Africa, that trip to Liberia was horrible.  At this point, Alex and I had been dating for 3 months (in fact, we hit the 3 months mark, while I was gone.) Anyways, having some letters with me from him and being able to get internet twice to check my email was a huge thing that kept me together. (Now before you think I hate Africa or something, you could not be more wrong. I love Africa and have since I began sponsoring this beautiful boy in Tanzania my freshman year of high school.  I've been there twice. And I'm praying that the Lord will bless enough to adopt at least one African baby.) This trip was difficult for many reasons. I remember having a countdown of hours going in my head with at least two days left. (You may be losing respect for me as I continue to type, I'll be happy to share my experience with you, I just don't want to share it with the world.) And then I boarded the plane, leaving my mom behind, where she would stay for the next 3 weeks. The flight was long and sleepless, 18 hours next to the air vent. I didn't care I just wanted to be home. Sometime around 6:30 AM Monday morning September 13, I stepped off the train of the Atlanta Airport and headed up that long escalator. I ran up it. I saw Alex and dropped everything I was carrying and landed in his arms (It could have been in a movie). 
Relief.
I was home.
I'm sure you are wondering why I'm telling this story.  Well as glad as I was to be home, as hard as the trip was, Liberia had etched itself on my heart.  I perk up anytime someone mentions the country. From being there and immersing myself in the culture and people, as well as studying the country, I know a lot about it. I not only had the honor of loving the poorest (of the world), I also sat in government officials' offices. I heard a sorts of stories from the war and life after, I heard the current struggles. 
To say this country is in real trouble is an understatement. The only electricity in the country is from generators. Running water ANY where in the country is a rarity and a luxury.  About 80% of the workforce is unemployed. The mother/child mortality rate is the highest in the world. This country is continually ranked in the top five poorest nations. Corruption and greed are rampant in the government. Three million people live in the country. It is the size of the state of Tennessee and there are 3 hospitals. I could go on and on, but I'm sure you get the picture.
Anyways, I read this article today about the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association holding a revival/meeting there in March.  Click here to read Billy's Experience
I thought it was very interesting. The vice president, Tolbert later became president of the country and he was assassinated while in office, which started the beginning of the civil war for this country.  
Just pray for this nation and people. They are lost and more than anything else, they need Jesus. Christianity is there and there are many churches, but they still need Him. I'm going to post a little background on the war and an interview I had with a member from Parliament that survived it.
Thinking about Africa today.

Not forgotten

Hey readers,

Just wanted to say I have not forgotten about you. Life is super busy with school, work, a social life. I'm running a through possible posts in my head right now. Hopefully I'll have some time to post something soon.