I just feel burdened to share verses today, not much talking. I was inspired to do this, when my iPod was on shuffle and Titus (the book) came on. I have the entire Bible on my iPod. It was just what I needed. So far I've listened to Titus, Philemon, Hebrews, 1 Corinthians, and Romans.
Here are the verses that have been on my heart today.
Psalm 37
Do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Take delight in the LORD,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The blameless spend their days under the LORD’s care,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
Though the LORD’s enemies are like the flowers of the field,
they will be consumed, they will go up in smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.
23 The LORD makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be a blessing.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
Wrongdoers will be completely destroyed;
the offspring of the wicked will perish.
29 The righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouths of the righteous utter wisdom,
and their tongues speak what is just.
31 The law of their God is in their hearts;
their feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
intent on putting them to death;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in the power of the wicked
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Hope in the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are destroyed, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a luxuriant native tree,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
a future awaits those who seek peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
there will be no future for the wicked.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.
Hebrews 13:20-21
20 Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Hebrews 6:16-20
16 People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. 17 Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. 18God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. 19 We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, 20 where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.
1 Peter 3:4
4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
Jeremiah 9:23-24
This is what the LORD says:
“Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
or the strong boast of their strength
or the rich boast of their riches,
24 but let the one who boasts boast about this:
that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,”
declares the LORD.
Ephesians 3:20-21
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 2:10
10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Philippians 1:3-6
3 I thank my God every time I remember you. 4 In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6 being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Colossians 1:9
9 For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives
Galatians 5:22-23
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
Psalm 46
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
snowed in.
I have tried writing whatever I am trying to say for this post multiple times. I am frustrated at this point. I don’t exactly know what I am trying to write about but I know there’s something inside this head of mine. Writer’s block? Cabin Fever? Who knows? Not sure I care at this point.I have been stuck in my house since Sunday night. The farthest I have gotten is to the end of my driveway. It also looks like I will be stuck here for another two days. I don’t mind too much. Yet.
See, school was supposed to start this week. I was about to jump into 12 hours of classes and 20 hours of working. Along with 2 Bible studies, college weekday worship service, volunteering, mission trip training, and a social life (with whatever time was left). And then Sunday night, the world around me turned white. Giant white glittering snowflakes filled the views outside my house and I was mystified. I hate cold weather, but I love snow. Snow is the only good thing about winter weather. And I had to stop. I cannot leave my house safely and I don’t intend to risk my life for a gallon of milk. I have connection with the “outside” world. I can talk to my other snowed in friends, browser the internet, etc., I just can’t go anywhere.
The Lord is using this time. Last month, I apologized to one of my friends for being so busy and not staying in touch. He responded, “It’s ok. You’ve been busy. It happens.” My first thought, which I told him, was, “Yes, but we live in a world that constantly “demands” that we go 100mph. Being busy is a part of life, not an excuse.” The past two days of life have been slow and the Lord is using this. He isn’t showing me to take it easy or anything like that, but He is speaking to me. The last two days of Jesus Calling have been about trust. Yes, God is still SHOUTING that message at me and I am relishing it. I need to be constantly reminded to trust my Savior. Time and time again, I have proven myself to be untrustworthy. Time and time again, He has proven beyond trustworthy. If this snow hadn’t come, I would not have to opportunity to continue to soak in trusting Him. I want to trust Him in everything. I want to thank him for the answers He has yet to bring, but are coming (that was what Jesus Calling was about today). Our Lord is so good. Regardless of the answers and desires I crave, at the end of the day, He will reign supreme. His answers have been, are, and always will be better than I could have imagined.
I am so grateful for this snow, because it allows for a few more days of quietness of just me and God because life kicks back into high gear.
By the way, in case you are wondering, I have decided to give up a few things.
If you are snowed in like me, I would love to know how it is going for you.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Choose this day.
These past few days I've been silent on my blog. I don't know if it's writer's block or I am just so amazed at the Lord is doing in my heart. I have desires to do things I never thought I would want to do, good things. I have goals this year too. I'm not ready to share what most of them are on here yet, but I'm so excited about them. I am overwhelmed by what the Lord is doing in my life. Jesus showed up this week. He showed up for Passion, but not really through the speakers/worship leaders as He did just through little things I experienced. And the further I get away from Passion, the more effects I feel.
Jesus showed up the week after Passion was over. Here is something I learned/ realized. Satan was on the prowl at Passion. For me. And I knew it. I felt so convicted as Passion was getting closer to make it a point every morning to spend time in His Word ALONE. Yes, I was getting feed by so many, but at the end of the day it's just me and the Lord. And so I did. I got up every morning before the girls I was rooming with, got ready and sat in the hotel hallway to spend time with Him. I say this not so you are impressed. I could not care less about that. My thought process was, "If I can't make time for personal time with God at a Christian conference, what the heck am I making time for?" Corporate worship and fellowship with other believers is so key, but personal time with Jesus essential, life-sustaining, mandatory. So I did.
On Sunday morning, I was reading my Beth Moore study, 90 Days with Paul (it's really awesome, ps). Day 17, the day I was doing, was called "Exposing the Enemy." The passage for the day was Acts 13:4-12.
That's intense, right? Especially verse 10. By the way "the two" in verse 4 is Paul and Barnabas. Mention number of the devil and spiritual warfare. The next mention was again by Beth Moore, in her main session. She was talking about renewing our mind, how crazy cool our brains were, and discerning the will of God. She mentioned Satan's ploy to distract us (I don't remember exactly what she said, but she said something about it). And then in her breakout that day, she was talking about Psalm 37 (delighting yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart). She references Luke 10:17-21.
Three references by Beth Moore, three different circumstances, between 8am and 3pm. Attention gotten, for sure. It was so awesome.
Three was the number for me this weekend. Three times I had to go through something, hear something, before the Lord got my attention. Humbling that I can't figure things out the first or second times.
Each Satan reference was dealing about how he doesn't want us to accomplish God's will (duh Katie, that's what Satan does). I know, I know. But think about it. When you sat do to spend time with the Lord today, how many times did you look at your phone? How rushed were you? How many times did you get distracted in your praying and think about something else? Have you even made time for the Lord today? It's Sunday, yes, doesn't mean your personal time with the Lord gets a Sabbath.
If I may be honest, today, I texted during my time with the Lord and I got lost in thought, not about the Lord, at least 3 times in prayer. DEVIL DISTRACTION ALERT. He wants to do anything and everything to distract you, to take you away from the plans the Lord has for you. You can beat him, you don't not have to give in. I don't have to either. But the question is are we letting him win? He doesn't do it without our permission, whether we actually notice or not. How many times has Satan fallen from heaven this week in your own life? Has he fallen at all? Or is he choking the life out of you?
Choose this day whom you will serve (Josh.24:15) and who falls, in your life.
Jesus showed up the week after Passion was over. Here is something I learned/ realized. Satan was on the prowl at Passion. For me. And I knew it. I felt so convicted as Passion was getting closer to make it a point every morning to spend time in His Word ALONE. Yes, I was getting feed by so many, but at the end of the day it's just me and the Lord. And so I did. I got up every morning before the girls I was rooming with, got ready and sat in the hotel hallway to spend time with Him. I say this not so you are impressed. I could not care less about that. My thought process was, "If I can't make time for personal time with God at a Christian conference, what the heck am I making time for?" Corporate worship and fellowship with other believers is so key, but personal time with Jesus essential, life-sustaining, mandatory. So I did.
On Sunday morning, I was reading my Beth Moore study, 90 Days with Paul (it's really awesome, ps). Day 17, the day I was doing, was called "Exposing the Enemy." The passage for the day was Acts 13:4-12.
4 The two of them, sent on their way by the Holy Spirit, went down to Seleucia and sailed from there to Cyprus. 5When they arrived at Salamis, they proclaimed the word of God in the Jewish synagogues. John was with them as their helper. 6 They traveled through the whole island until they came to Paphos. There they met a Jewish sorcerer and false prophet named Bar-Jesus, 7 who was an attendant of the proconsul, Sergius Paulus. The proconsul, an intelligent man, sent for Barnabas and Saul because he wanted to hear the word of God. 8 But Elymas the sorcerer (for that is what his name means) opposed them and tried to turn the proconsul from the faith. 9Then Saul, who was also called Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked straight at Elymas and said, 10 “You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery. Will you never stop perverting the right ways of the Lord? 11Now the hand of the Lord is against you. You are going to be blind for a time, not even able to see the light of the sun.” Immediately mist and darkness came over him, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand. 12 When the proconsul saw what had happened, he believed, for he was amazed at the teaching about the Lord.
That's intense, right? Especially verse 10. By the way "the two" in verse 4 is Paul and Barnabas. Mention number of the devil and spiritual warfare. The next mention was again by Beth Moore, in her main session. She was talking about renewing our mind, how crazy cool our brains were, and discerning the will of God. She mentioned Satan's ploy to distract us (I don't remember exactly what she said, but she said something about it). And then in her breakout that day, she was talking about Psalm 37 (delighting yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart). She references Luke 10:17-21.
"I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven." What?!?! Crazy! What a sight that would be. Beth said that every time we are empowered by Christ and celebrate that, that's what happens to Satan. Ballin'!!!!!17 The seventy-two returned with joy and said, “Lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.”18 He replied, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. 19 I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you. 20 However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”21 At that time Jesus, full of joy through the Holy Spirit, said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. Yes, Father, for this is what you were pleased to do.
Three references by Beth Moore, three different circumstances, between 8am and 3pm. Attention gotten, for sure. It was so awesome.
Three was the number for me this weekend. Three times I had to go through something, hear something, before the Lord got my attention. Humbling that I can't figure things out the first or second times.
Each Satan reference was dealing about how he doesn't want us to accomplish God's will (duh Katie, that's what Satan does). I know, I know. But think about it. When you sat do to spend time with the Lord today, how many times did you look at your phone? How rushed were you? How many times did you get distracted in your praying and think about something else? Have you even made time for the Lord today? It's Sunday, yes, doesn't mean your personal time with the Lord gets a Sabbath.
If I may be honest, today, I texted during my time with the Lord and I got lost in thought, not about the Lord, at least 3 times in prayer. DEVIL DISTRACTION ALERT. He wants to do anything and everything to distract you, to take you away from the plans the Lord has for you. You can beat him, you don't not have to give in. I don't have to either. But the question is are we letting him win? He doesn't do it without our permission, whether we actually notice or not. How many times has Satan fallen from heaven this week in your own life? Has he fallen at all? Or is he choking the life out of you?
Choose this day whom you will serve (Josh.24:15) and who falls, in your life.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
All My Fountains
I am currently obsessed with this song. Literally, I've been dancing, singing, shouting, grooving, and a whole lot of other things to it since Passion. It's called All My Fountains. See if you can find it. I'm counting down the days until the CD comes out and I can jam to it, very, very, loudly.
Ugh, it is so so so so so so good. And a cry of my heart too. I was talking yesterday with a friend about this song. We both had this song stuck in our heads. It both spoke to us and made us want to sing, dance, shout, groove, and a whole lot of other things to it. He said something about how he didn't know exactly why the song was so good.
And I have a theory. Part of this post, the part you are about to read, is something I've had written for some time. Here is my theory. There are times in worship when words just are not enough. Not even close to enough. You've pretty much lost control and gotten beyond lost in worship. (If this has never happened to you, start praying for it because it, well it cannot even be described, you just need to experience it. Seriously.) And at some point, words just aren't enough. And then, the song does something crazy. Instead of words, clapping or something like that comes and it makes the song so much more.
When I said that, he nearly jumped out of the chair, "YES!" Because it's true. Because I serve the God who is beyond description, the God who is more than any word ever spoken, who cannot be contained by words (or anything for that matter). You may think I'm crazy but you know what I'm talking about if something like this has happened to you.
Here's my example. It's from the Passion:Awakening CD. Hillsong, With Everything. There comes a part in the song where words aren't used and "Oh" is. And I can't help but get into it. I've included the song so maybe it would help you understand.
I feel like I've made little sense, but I had to share. Does anyone out there understand?
Ugh, it is so so so so so so good. And a cry of my heart too. I was talking yesterday with a friend about this song. We both had this song stuck in our heads. It both spoke to us and made us want to sing, dance, shout, groove, and a whole lot of other things to it. He said something about how he didn't know exactly why the song was so good.
And I have a theory. Part of this post, the part you are about to read, is something I've had written for some time. Here is my theory. There are times in worship when words just are not enough. Not even close to enough. You've pretty much lost control and gotten beyond lost in worship. (If this has never happened to you, start praying for it because it, well it cannot even be described, you just need to experience it. Seriously.) And at some point, words just aren't enough. And then, the song does something crazy. Instead of words, clapping or something like that comes and it makes the song so much more.
When I said that, he nearly jumped out of the chair, "YES!" Because it's true. Because I serve the God who is beyond description, the God who is more than any word ever spoken, who cannot be contained by words (or anything for that matter). You may think I'm crazy but you know what I'm talking about if something like this has happened to you.
Here's my example. It's from the Passion:Awakening CD. Hillsong, With Everything. There comes a part in the song where words aren't used and "Oh" is. And I can't help but get into it. I've included the song so maybe it would help you understand.
Trust Verses
Psalm 57:11
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.
Isaiah 26:4
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock eternal.
In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.
Isaiah 26:4
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord Himself, is the Rock eternal.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Irony
Oh the irony. Or rather God speaking, because it isn't an accident. Today in the Bible study on Paul by Beth Moore that I'm doing, had a question in it.
Ready for it?
Ready for it?
Express your willingness to trust God even when you don't understand. How would you put that into words?You think God is trying to get me attention about trusting Him? Yeah, I do too. I just had to share that since I wrote forever about it yesterday. God is too cool. Love, love, love my Savior.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
trust Me
Let me start off by saying, I'm glad Passion 2011 is over. Passion was incredibly difficult for me. I was beyond distracted. Almost every time before worship, something would throw me off and I would battle to be at Passion. My head wanted to go off in it's own world, wrapped up in thoughts. I would pray and pray, I would worship as hard as I could, but nothing helped. I was so frustrated. Frustrated with myself for "missing God."
I should note though, I did learn a lot going this year. God spoke through my family group, the speakers, the worship songs, and my devotions. I'm glad I went. I don't regret it. But it was H-A-R-D! Just like this past month has been.
So there I sat, my head not in worship, lost in my own mind on Monday morning. I had been distracted all morning. From the time I got to community group to then. I hadn't finished my devotions and so I knew I needed to. I went and sat alone (the plus of being in a suite, I could move and sit alone). I pulled out Jesus Calling. January 3rd was about Jesus being our burden-bearer. I needed to hear that. I was still frustrated. Frustrated of the unknown, the hurt, heartache, confusion, anything and everything. Especially myself and why God wasn't coming through.
And then I began to journal. I want to share. I never ever do this but I feel like I should. It was literally this conversation with God, which I've also never written down in my journal.
I'm not including all of it, but most of it. It's long, I wrote 7 pages front and back that morning. The italics are what I think God was saying to me.
"To say that I am distracted would be the understatement of the universe. To say I've somewhat lost control of my mind is a lie. I think I've lost all control. Why is this so hard? What is the purpose? What am I missing? What do I need to be learning?"
What are you doing, my child?
"Trying to worship You! Leaving all else but it isn't working. I am angry at myself. Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand. I really don't. I come to Passion to escape everything in me wants to run away and hide."
Why?
"Because it hurts. I've poured my heart out to you. I feel like my heart is shattered. Broken! Shattered! Don't you feel it Lord? I feel like I have this gaping wound open. I can't fix it. Why couldn't I have just come to Passion and just relish in you love, be spoken to."
I am speaking, maybe you aren't hearing me. I'm not asking you to leave everything behind. I'm asking you to bring everything to me, holding out your arms, surrendering everything. Leaving it with me!!!
Do you remember when you were in high school and you had to wake up every morning and say, "I forgive him?" And then continually throughout the day, you kept saying, "I forgive him."
"Yes. I do."
Well that is what you need to do.Wake up every morning and say, "I trust you, Lord. You are in control." And every time you need to during the day.
"But Lord, that's not answers!!!! I hate hate hate this awkward limbo, the awkwardness, the heartache. I want answers. I want direction. Can I have a clue? Am I blind? Is the answer there and I'm missing it? Lord, where are you in this? I don't understand. I hate this. I don't understand."
You are broken. You have not been crushed. I have a plan for you. Isn't that what you've heard this week? I have a plan. I DO! I'm God and you are not. I have answers and you don't.
"I trust You, Lord. You are in control."
I love you. Don't you see that? This past month, I have held your hand, sat with you as you cried, breathed air in you when you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe. I was your companion when you felt alone. Those people who love you? Me. Those people who have reached out and poured into you? Me! Those moments at Passion that your eyes nearly popped out of your head, heart racing, and all you want to do is hide? Yes, still Me. I love you, Katie. I love you.
What is your favorite verse?
"Isaiah 43:14"
What does it say?
"But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life."
What does it say?
"You love me. You are with me. I trust You, Lord. You are in control."
Every time during worship, during a sermon, during any moment my mind began to drift and it was not of the Lord, I would say "I trust You, Lord. You are in control." It was healing.
I realized that I had not been trusting the Lord with this. I'm scared to. I am. I don't trust that what He has planned is different than what I want or think I want. But here's the thing, my own mind is battling polar opposite arguments, so how do I trust myself in this? I don't even know what the Lord is asking me!
This morning I get up at 6:30 to get ready and have time for my devotions. I sit out in the hall of our hotel and read my Bible study, than I open up Jesus Calling. Guess what the first two sentences are?
Spiritual.Slap.Across.The.Face!!!! Literally, my head turned a little as if it had and I heard a smacking noise. If it had actually happened, I see it more as tapping me on the face. But mentally, it was a smack. I began to laugh. "Seriously, Lord? You weren't kidding!" I just praised Him. It was so awesome. Glory to God. Praise our Father in heaven.
That right there is the reason I went to Passion. I don't think I would have realized I wasn't trusting God if I hadn't gone. Now, I'm not there, but I'm feeling some peace and I have said that phrase a hundred times today. I'm working on trusting Him. It will be a process. I've decided to memorize verses dealing with trusting the Lord. I'll share them once I find ones. I have more to share about Passion, but I think you've read enough for now.
I should note though, I did learn a lot going this year. God spoke through my family group, the speakers, the worship songs, and my devotions. I'm glad I went. I don't regret it. But it was H-A-R-D! Just like this past month has been.
So there I sat, my head not in worship, lost in my own mind on Monday morning. I had been distracted all morning. From the time I got to community group to then. I hadn't finished my devotions and so I knew I needed to. I went and sat alone (the plus of being in a suite, I could move and sit alone). I pulled out Jesus Calling. January 3rd was about Jesus being our burden-bearer. I needed to hear that. I was still frustrated. Frustrated of the unknown, the hurt, heartache, confusion, anything and everything. Especially myself and why God wasn't coming through.
And then I began to journal. I want to share. I never ever do this but I feel like I should. It was literally this conversation with God, which I've also never written down in my journal.
I'm not including all of it, but most of it. It's long, I wrote 7 pages front and back that morning. The italics are what I think God was saying to me.
"To say that I am distracted would be the understatement of the universe. To say I've somewhat lost control of my mind is a lie. I think I've lost all control. Why is this so hard? What is the purpose? What am I missing? What do I need to be learning?"
What are you doing, my child?
"Trying to worship You! Leaving all else but it isn't working. I am angry at myself. Why? Why? Why? I just don't understand. I really don't. I come to Passion to escape everything in me wants to run away and hide."
Why?
"Because it hurts. I've poured my heart out to you. I feel like my heart is shattered. Broken! Shattered! Don't you feel it Lord? I feel like I have this gaping wound open. I can't fix it. Why couldn't I have just come to Passion and just relish in you love, be spoken to."
I am speaking, maybe you aren't hearing me. I'm not asking you to leave everything behind. I'm asking you to bring everything to me, holding out your arms, surrendering everything. Leaving it with me!!!
Do you remember when you were in high school and you had to wake up every morning and say, "I forgive him?" And then continually throughout the day, you kept saying, "I forgive him."
"Yes. I do."
Well that is what you need to do.Wake up every morning and say, "I trust you, Lord. You are in control." And every time you need to during the day.
"But Lord, that's not answers!!!! I hate hate hate this awkward limbo, the awkwardness, the heartache. I want answers. I want direction. Can I have a clue? Am I blind? Is the answer there and I'm missing it? Lord, where are you in this? I don't understand. I hate this. I don't understand."
You are broken. You have not been crushed. I have a plan for you. Isn't that what you've heard this week? I have a plan. I DO! I'm God and you are not. I have answers and you don't.
"I trust You, Lord. You are in control."
I love you. Don't you see that? This past month, I have held your hand, sat with you as you cried, breathed air in you when you were crying so hard you couldn't breathe. I was your companion when you felt alone. Those people who love you? Me. Those people who have reached out and poured into you? Me! Those moments at Passion that your eyes nearly popped out of your head, heart racing, and all you want to do is hide? Yes, still Me. I love you, Katie. I love you.
What is your favorite verse?
"Isaiah 43:14"
What does it say?
"But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, Jacob,
he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your stead.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
nations in exchange for your life."
What does it say?
"You love me. You are with me. I trust You, Lord. You are in control."
Every time during worship, during a sermon, during any moment my mind began to drift and it was not of the Lord, I would say "I trust You, Lord. You are in control." It was healing.
I realized that I had not been trusting the Lord with this. I'm scared to. I am. I don't trust that what He has planned is different than what I want or think I want. But here's the thing, my own mind is battling polar opposite arguments, so how do I trust myself in this? I don't even know what the Lord is asking me!
This morning I get up at 6:30 to get ready and have time for my devotions. I sit out in the hall of our hotel and read my Bible study, than I open up Jesus Calling. Guess what the first two sentences are?
I want you to learn a new habit. Try saying, "I trust You, Jesus," in response to whatever happens to you.
Spiritual.Slap.Across.The.Face!!!! Literally, my head turned a little as if it had and I heard a smacking noise. If it had actually happened, I see it more as tapping me on the face. But mentally, it was a smack. I began to laugh. "Seriously, Lord? You weren't kidding!" I just praised Him. It was so awesome. Glory to God. Praise our Father in heaven.
That right there is the reason I went to Passion. I don't think I would have realized I wasn't trusting God if I hadn't gone. Now, I'm not there, but I'm feeling some peace and I have said that phrase a hundred times today. I'm working on trusting Him. It will be a process. I've decided to memorize verses dealing with trusting the Lord. I'll share them once I find ones. I have more to share about Passion, but I think you've read enough for now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
