Control

Confession: I am a control freak.


I wrote that post the other day about trusting the Lord and finding comfort in Him.  And as more of my life is being thrown into the grey area with a giant question mark, it is getting easier, because the more things that happen, the more they are out of my control.  


I am the kind of control freak who plans. I like a target to aim at, generally I like a way to get there or I decide on my own. I'm stubborn (the older I get, the more I see that everyday). At times, I'm even inflexible or it sure looks like that.  It's one of those ugly warts I have. We all have them and this is one of mine.  I want to know what I'm doing, when, how, where, etc. The "why" isn't always important. I have become more and more aware of this side of me over the past year and I'm actually very grateful that it's been pointed out to me by people and even more by the Lord.


I had even more control taken from me yesterday. And honestly, I laughed at it. It did stress me out, but I laughed.  This slap in the face came from school, we have a love/hate relationship.  Of the 7 classes I need to graduate, only 2 of them I have to take, the others are of my choosing, to a certain extent. Well these 2 classes are offered only once in the fall and at the same time....which means if this isn't changed, my already-in-question-December-graduation will disappear and I will graduate in May of 2012. How this all plays out is completely out of my control. I called the person in charge of all this and left a voicemail asking what to do. Not only will my graduation date change, but my summer plans will too. I won't do a school-sanctioned internship so that I can be full-time for the fall and spring (Pretty fond of the whole health insurance thing!).  That would leave my summer completely open and free. I'm just trusting the Lord. He knows when I will graduate from college and what my summer plans are, what job I'm going to have, and even what words I'm going to right next. He's got it all. He's in control.


I should tell you though, when I saw the schedule conflict, a question almost crossed my lips. Thankful it didn't. What's the question? "What else you got, Lord?" The clip from Bruce Almighty ("Smite me, O Mighty Smiter!) played in my head. However, I do not have the courage to challenge God.  I think of when Job did that and cringe. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell Me, if you understand." Job 38:4
Hmmm, yeahno I don't want that to happen. 
I'm embarrassed to admit that I did that in my own, not direct challenging God way.  Before everything went down or rather up into the air, I knew there were things I was not relinquishing. And I boldly told God, "You are going to have to take these from my hands, because I just can't hand them over." I honestly meant it, too.  It wasn't a "come and get it if you want it". It was an earnest, "I'm having trouble letting this go. I know You want so take it from me." And He has. It hasn't happened like I imagined. Ever. But literally every day that goes by, He takes more. Somethings I didn't even know I hadn't given Him. He's taking it all though. And I praise Him for it. 


I can screw things up before opening my mouth. I think as humans we are experts at messing things up. I have desires, wants, visions, and dreams of how I want things to play out, but it is so far out of my control at the moment, I couldn't make those things happen, no matter what I did.


So here's the lesson I learned.
When you ask for God to break you, to take control of your life, He does. Case in point? me.
Ask it if you dare, but don't think He isn't going to do it.


My name is Katie and I'm a control freak.

Comfort

Play this while reading, please.


Today as I walked into my room to go to bed, I found this.

My Bible resting on my pillow and a box of tissues. Probably two of the most essential things in my life right now.  I couldn't help but smile.  You see, as I made my way upstairs, I was thinking about how so many earthly comforts are being taken away from me. 
(And I'm not talking about possessions, although my house will be going up for sale in the next fews weeks. It's the "home" factor I'm losing with it, not the actual house. And there's a whole lot of relational changes going on, as well as life and future changes. Really, everything's just been tossed into the air this last month. Maybe not everything, but a lot of things.)
Anyway, my Bible hadn't magically been left there, I had put it there this morning in search for a verse that I had on my heart. And happened (Jesus) to leave it open.
As I stared at this precious book, two verses that had been playing in my head came to mind.
Isaiah 40:1

And then 2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Not only are these verses what I need to claim but I love the headings that go before each. "Comfort for God's People" and "The God of All Comfort"
I don't know why some things are happening and why they are happening the way they are. Some things I don't understand. I have wants and desires about everything, but I don't believe God is focusing on that. I don't believe they are being ignored, nor are they completely inconsequential, I just think God's trying to get me past the biggest hump, before anything else.
Let me paint a visual picture of what I'm feeling about my life right now.  Imagine you are standing over your kitchen sink, you are rinsing off vegetables in a colander. You shake off the excess water and turn to put them in a bowl, just as you turn, your feet get tangled up and you begin to fall, arms going up. Freeze, see it? Do you see all those vegetables coming out of the colander and about to scatter everywhere? That's how I see my life.
So that's kind of how I feel. I know a huge thing that the Lord is teaching me is to rely on Him above all else, above comfort, above people, above plans, above everything. HE is my comfort. HE is my everything. I just need to cling to Him and His Word. He is not going to abandon me or leave me out to dry. There is purpose for this, I'm already seeing that. (I may not always remember that.) To trust Him.
Huh, that's funny, basically the theme in my life for 2011. (See trust Me from January 4th).


The song that you've been listening to is one that I have played over and over again, because it's where I am.


"And I find myself here on my knees again." (Yep, that's where I am.)


Working on trusting the Lord and finding my comfort in Him during all this.


"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

For sale

Today I begin the process of making my home a house so someone else will want to call it home. Today I start to say goodbye.